my thoughts

Asked what she was going to do when he passed from this world into the next, “I will probably show up on your door step and curl into a ball on your floor.”  Though that wasn’t exactly what happened, in some ways it was.  A small part of her soul lay some where safe curled into the fetal position.  She was tough through the final days, she was strong on the outside where everyone saw.  But deep inside something died.  A strong metal shield encased her heart to stop her from feeling the complete and utter pain that was growing there.

She didn’t even realize what the date was when she sent out the text to the one that had asked the question of what she was going to do.  She just knew that in her heart she needed to tell her dear friend that she loved her.  She sent text to several people that she felt needed to know how much they were loved and cared for.  As the day turned into night, she became more and more agitated.  No reason to be but it was there under her skin, creeping and crawling like prickly heat rash on a hot summer day.  It wasn’t that she was mad or angry, she just could not put her finger on exactly what she was feeling.  Sitting at the computer just after midnight, she realized that it was his birthday.  For the first time since he left this world, tears welled up in her eyes.

She cried herself to sleep and woke with tears still lingering there.  Her throat hurt so bad from wanting to scream out but it was as if the scream would never be heard.  For the first time in nearly three years all the anguish, the pain, the fear, the hurt and confusion hit with a vengeance.  Sobs rocked her entire body, uncontrollable and unstoppable.  It was as if something finally broke into a million pieces.  The hurt, the anger, the depression all hit in one massive wave.

This is not where she wanted to be, not what she wanted to be doing, and not how she had envisioned any of it.  She had quit writing, quit taking pics, and really had quit being alive.  As she had gone out and taken pictures some time back, she realized that it was him that had been her biggest fan.  He wanted to see every picture she took, good or bad. He wanted to read every word, thought, hope, fear and ambition.  He didn’t always like the picture, and wasn’t afraid to say so.  He didn’t always agree to her words written on paper but then again he wasn’t afraid to tell her.  But even if he didn’t like or agree, he encouraged and guided her to be her best.  She wanted to share her photos with someone but no one seemed to care or give feed back.  She shared these feelings only to be told that if she wasn’t doing something with them that made them exciting they were not worthy of being looked at.

Done!  Over!  Time to change the direction.  Time to look deep into all this emotion and try to find a new and worthy path.  Time to take back what is and what will be.

God said be still and listen.  I had thought that I was being still and listening, then we moved to Austin and I learned to be really still and listen.  To be still and heal.  To look around and see myself.  I used to care what I wrote, how I wrote it and to find a way to not step on anyone.  I don’t care at this point.  I am not writing to please anyone but me.

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3 comments on “my thoughts

  1. vera says:

    I’m not good with words, but healing is a funny thing…grief is hard. It can sneak up on us, and take control of our lives. Rebecca, we have never met, but I love ya, gal…and I hurt so much for you as I read your posting…People who tell you time heals all things, well I am not sure they live on the same planet as I do…because time does not heal all things…not in my opinion. I think it depends on the closeness and depth of the relationship of the person we loose. But I think you giving yourself the freedom to write from your heart and deep feelings will set you free. Love ya

  2. susy wong says:

    I am thrilled to hear you are finally writing for yourself. That your needed to grieve over the loss of your dad finally hit you where you just let go and felt everything you needed to. I know that was very painful but hopefully also quite cleansing for you. Writing for yourself is a freedom that you deserve to enjoy. Taking pictures and expressing yourself in your artistic forms is important because they are passions of yours. It does NOT matter what other people think of your writing, because some will like it, some will not, that is the way all things go. Be true to yourself and enjoy what you do, the results of that will be beautiful because you will appreciate it and be content with it. Learning that pleasing others can be exhausting and a waste of time, because it alters your creativity and that is not fair, is also liberating. I am proud of you Rebecca! I love you dearly my friend. Keep writing, taking pictures and doing what makes you feel complete, content and fulfilled.

  3. Anonymous says:

    then yu are evolving into the writer he knew you to be; but I hope you still take a few pics for me tho I love them all coz you are the atist behind the words and pics. I love you forever

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