In the depths.

ImageHave you ever looked at a photograph and become so moved and so drawn into the picture that you forget your own troubles?  I rarely look that deeply into my own work, I saw it when I took it, I experienced it when I was standing there, and often times I feel the same emotions when I look back at the picture.  Not always.  I remember looking up through the mesquite tree that morning, the haze and the early morning sun add just the most amazing things to the early hours.  It was a cool morning, late in the summer but we would be headed to three digit temperatures soon.  I let nature surround me and keep my soul centered.

This morning, in the wee hours long before dawn, I sat editing some old photos that I have not worked on.  Letting the intricate details of editing take my mind and heart away from what was really torturing me slide into the darkness.  I edited several pictures and saved them, I walked out onto the front porch and sat in the swing.  It was nearly 3 a.m. and there was a cool breeze, the stars were abundant and I was at peace for the time being.  Letting my worries out into the universe and being thankful for so many blessings in my life, I rose to retire to bed for the night.  As I was standing there, it was like the universe answered.  It is okay to get mad.

Sometimes, we have to get mad, get really mad for change to happen.  It as if getting angry makes some things clearer and more intense.  Yes, I am angry for so many reasons and being the good red-headed Irish girl, I want to lash out when I get that angry.  My first reaction is usually to fight my way through it.  I guess age and wisdom have taught me to hold my tongue and seek peace at all cost.  Not this time, this time it is okay to get mad, it is okay to use that anger energy for good.

See, if there is one thing that I have long since learned about Brown County Texas, is that there are many (way too many) thieves here.  At this point in my life there are very few things that make my blood boil, steal from me, mistreat my daughter, mistreat my friends and family, and myself.  The past few days I have been reminded of just how much I can be angered by a thief.  First thing that was stolen was Eli.  Yes, in actuality someone got my goat.  Then yesterday I found that I was also missing a riding lawn mower.

I am angry, I know there is no way of tracing either.  Even if there was, the Brown County Law Enforcement isn’t going to do anything about either one of them.  That makes me even more angry.

But to put this anger to good use, I have made it my resolve… 1 year.  No more than a year.  1 year.  I will come to the spot in my life that I want to be.  I will come to the place in my life that I want to be.  Anger can be a positive.  But it has also put the fight back into my spirit.  I put up new no trespass signs today.  I will catch you.  It isn’t a gun you need to be afraid of, because there are worse things than death.  I will embarrass you beyond words and I will make your name worthless.  After I fire that warning shot.

A new day begins……..

I looked at the picture this morning before posting it.  I sat and stared long and hard into it’s depths.  The moon is my goals, the mesquite branches my obstacles.  The haze and the morning sun are my hope and my guiding light.  I sat and wept softly, not out of anger or sadness, but out of release.  I release the evil that is attacking, I release the anger, I release the resent, I release the hurt and pain, but most of all I release myself to be able to over come and conquer.

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Midnight sky

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Searching, looking, hoping to find, Kristen and I spent time together on the web last night looking for a home around Austin.  I know in my soul when the right one comes along that the time will be right.  I know if I push it, if I make too many concessions that it will have bad consequences.  But I really want to be down there.  In all honesty, I just don’t want to be here any more, want to be closer to my beautiful daughter and son-in-law.  I am ready to start down this new path but I know I have much baggage to get rid of before it happens.  We found 3 different houses that in some ways would be perfect.  But with any one of them I am going to have to give up some things that I really am at odds about.

I woke up about 1am, decided to wander out into the yard as I didn’t find anything on the web that kept my attention.  I had worked on editing pics, playing games, and writing so there wasn’t anything particularly interesting.  I was outside about 2am, the chill filled the clear and beautiful fall night. I looked out toward the horizon to see Orion fill the sky, the Milky Way shone bright against the darkness, and the stars where so bright and in such multitude that it touched my very soul. As I stood in the middle of the driveway, a shooting star blazed a green trail over head. Life is so full of wonder, of blessings……..

I love when the universe embraces you and shows you back to the path you are supposed to be taking.  Shows you to stop and rethink things again.  I don’t want to give up the county sky, the simpler way of life, the precious things that make life so wonderful.  

Time to go back to the search engine and find that right place…….   It is a gorgeous morning, a blessed and wonderful day!!

Glancing back…..

ImageLooking back.  Looking back and living the the past are two different things.  Looking back over the years, seeing those that we love, that loved us, seeing our mistakes and how they changed our course, are all good things.  Living in the past, letting all the bad things that have happened, all the stumbles keep happening because you aren’t looking to the future keeps your life in turmoil.  

I was driving down one of my favorite highways, the sun setting behind me, tears streaming down my face.  I took this picture as I drove.  Back beyond the darkness, where the sun is touching the horizon, so many times I have left my heart, so many times I have cried my way back home.  

It isn’t the things from the past that bring those tears as much as it is looking to the future and knowing what is behind me will be there too.  It is the one place on this planet that has shown me the most, nurtured me the most, and loved me beyond compare.

So, yes sometimes it is okay to look to the past and find the future.  To find your soul again.