Are you living your purpose? How many times have I heard that throughout my life? You are wasting your potential. You will never amount to what your potential is. Do these sound familiar? It wasn’t that I did not strive to do the things I should be doing, the key word in that sentence is should. I have always been doing the things I should, the things that were expected of me.
I have been thoroughly amazed over the last 5 years at how many thoughts, how much growth one person can endure. I think this weekend was the first time in over eight years that I actually did nothing but relax. I know you aren’t going to fully understand that, but even to get out of the house before now was almost like a panic attack. I was so anxious that I couldn’t even breath right. I remember many times sitting in a restaurant with friends, some times having already ordered and sometimes I had not even ordered. My phone would go off and I would pay for my food and drive home. I have been in San Angelo, Ft. Worth, Lubbock and would literally drive home.
See, the thing is when you are responsible for someone else it is like a mother the first few months after giving birth except that it doesn’t grow up. It is a full time 24/7 feeling. Imagine being a new mother for years at a time? I have learned the tole that it takes on the physical body, on the mental ability. I could be sitting in class at ASU and if one of them needed something I would leave class, leave school and drive the hundred miles home to fix the issue.
I posted a post the other day about going to the lake and realizing just how much I was attached to the house still. Since then, with much soul searching, much meditation I have come to realize that I was fulfilling my purpose. I have search for years for a reason I was even born. When Daddy passed from this world my purpose was over. Well, my current purpose. It left me feeling dazed and confused. Not only did I need to grieve the loss of my father, but I came to a place in the road of life that left me standing still.
Standing in the middle of a four-way intersection….lost. Hurting physically and mentally. Drained both physically and emotionally. So, I did what any good traveler would do, I wandered over to the side of the road and pitched a tent. Sooner or later I could get the map read, I could find someone to show me where to go from here. So, I finally slept enough, strengthened my body enough to begin moving around a little bit. Went out and stretched my legs, watched the sunrise and took a dip in the lake. Then late one night about a week ago, I sent a question out into the vastness of the universe. You do know that the creator listens, that he hears everything in your heart but sometimes he really wants to hear your words.
I don’t always like to ask questions for I know that I am going to have to be still in order to hear the answer. The question? “Where do I go from here?” Plain and simple, I had come to the end of resting.
My purpose up to this point in my life was a caregiver. It was keeping promised that I had made and living with the consequences of those promises. I was told long ago by my mother that I didn’t have to fulfill a promise I made to God, that she too had made the promise and it was her duty to see it through. That God wasn’t going to hold me to such a big promise when I made it out of desperation without knowing what my own life held. But even at the age of 18 I had dealt with broken promises, broken hearts, and fear. I had no fear in keeping that promise. I had no remorse in keeping it. It was my purpose. It was the hard work to get to the reward, it was the learning life lessons to move forward in life, and it was the best blessing I have ever had.
The new purpose….well I can tell you that it has to do with my writing, my photography, and my family. It encompasses new adventures, new faces and old. There are people that I need to wrap in my arms and tell them I love them, there are places that I need to set my eyes on again and for the first time. There are friends that have stood beside me, waiting patiently (to infinity and beyond, BBH, always Bec) that I need to see physically and let them know that I am ready to take that next step.
So, am I living my purpose? I would have to say yes and moving forward again.