my failure.

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How could I fail you?  Fail you at such a time that was so vital?  How could I carry you, do for you everything you asked then at that most critical moment not be there?  My heart breaks to think of it, tears escaped my eye today thinking about it, admitting what I was feeling.

As I drove to the lake today I realized why I won’t or can’t leave the house for long periods by myself.  As long as I am busy when I do, I am okay I don’t over think it.  But the stress engulfing me when I have to is beyond my control.  Even going to work causes my heart to race, my skin to get clammy and my head to hurt.

The afternoon before I sent Daddy to the hospital was payday.  Bills had to be paid in town, groceries had to be bought.  Dad and I talked about me putting it off but he thought it best that we get it done anyway.  For a year before, when I had to leave the house I left John with Daddy.  Even though he couldn’t do much to help, he could at least pick up the cell and get me here fairly quickly.

That day John needed to go into town too.  I raced from place to place, leaving John in the pick up as much as I dared.  Daddy told me that he would stay in bed and take a nap until I got home.  He had not been feeling real well, he was sleeping more, but he was still holding his own for the most part.

I came up Bangs hill and John told me that I needed to slow down.  He said that I didn’t need to kill he and I trying to get back to daddy.  At 85 mph, I capped the top headed to the house.  I left John sitting in the pick up in the drive, keeping the air conditioner on so that the groceries we bought wouldn’t spoil and I ran into the house to check on dad.

I found him standing at the bathroom sink, calling my name as I cleared the front door.  I was instantly in there with him.  He told me that he had made it to the bathroom but he couldn’t return to the bed.  He had been standing there holding onto the sink for a good 20 minutes.  I grabbed the wheelchair and pulled it so that he could sit but he wouldn’t release the sink for fear of falling.  I put my arms around this wonderful, gentle man and said, “Daddy, do you trust me?”  His reply was, “with every ounce of my being.”  I kept my arms around him, and told him to turn loose of the sink, as he did I pivoted him into the wheelchair.  

How could I have been so stupid??  How could I have gone into town knowing that he wasn’t feeling well?  It is a mistake that I won’t let happen with John.  I won’t let him or anyone else that I am in charge of caring for ever be alone like that.  I can’t.  I am so sorry Daddy.  I am sorry that I failed you like that.

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4 comments on “my failure.

  1. Anonymous says:

    please stop beating yourself up. When you all lived in Slaton I saw how loving and caring you were with your parents.They are nothing but very proud of you and would not like to hear you putting yourself down. Live in the present and always know that you were a wonderful daughter. We all live with a thought of “what if”.It does not help to live in the past and only takes energy from ourselves. Remember that you were and always will be a special person and daughter

    • Bec Champion says:

      Oh, please don’t take my thoughts the wrong way, yesterday was an eye-opening day. I did not realize what was causing me to get sick when I left the house by myself. This was about acknowledging and healing. Thank you so much for your loving and kind words and for your insight. Now that I have figured out the why it happens, now we take measures to heal from it.

  2. Anonymous says:

    I understand….still working on weaning myself from thinking I have to have my cell phone with me every where I go (including the bathroom), and thinking that trips to Lubbock have to be straight there, get whatever is needed, no looking around and straight back. It’s not easy, but like getting my teeth seen to, eyes checked and experiencing new things, such as yoga classes with D’Etta; it’s baby steps to heal and get myself healthy, rounded and grounded. Positive energy being sent your way as you work toward your healing. Love you!!!

    • Bec Champion says:

      I understand that real well, was standing in the lake yesterday with water up to my chest with my cell phone held up so it wouldn’t get wet. John was at the house by himself. I finally thought, this is stupid. I got out of the lake put my phone in my tennis shoe and walked back out into the lake, diving deep and swimming for a long distance. I am so proud that you are doing yoga with D’Etta!! How cool is that. Love you bunches!!

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