half-assed life….

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Half- assed.  Have you ever looked back on your life and seen that it is only half-assed?  Have you ever really put your heart into everything you see and do with all of yourself?  Or do you let the day to day life of family, friends, business get in the way?  I think we are all guilty of this to some degree.

It is hard to put things into perspective sometimes and know how to balance it all.  There have been times in my own life that I don’t think I balanced very well.  Always putting something or someone in front of what I knew that I needed to be focusing on.  But at the time it seemed more important to shift focus.  In doing so, I also learned that sooner or later if you ignore it, the other shoe will fall and knock you back to earth.

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I have honestly known for years where my heart lies.  I know what I am supposed to be doing, but I also knew that I had much living to do, learning to do before I could bring it to fruition.  Now is the time for focus, for hard work and for narrowing the gap.  Time to stop half-assing.  Stop waiting for the foot to fall because you know that isn’t what you are suppose to be doing.

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Have you ever felt like you have run so far from where you are supposed to be that you have let the grass grow up on the path you took so that you can’t find your way back?  There is always a way back, you may have to pick through the thorns, through the high grass but I promise that the path is still there.  If you watch, people will come into your life to help you get back to the place you’re supposed to be.  They will take your hand, clear you mind and path, they will support you in any way possible to help you keep on the path that you are supposed to be on.  Let them in.  Remember, you are never alone in your struggles there is always help even if you don’t expect it.

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It is a beautiful day to start going full-hearted, to put my mind, body, heart and soul to good use.  No more half-assed.  Keep on moving down that road and making your light seen, your heart heard and always, always stop along the way to help others.   To stop loving, living, seeing, feeling, and being half-assed.  Stop being half-assed in faith as well.  I think that is one of the big things that most people are lacking in.  Yeah, church on Sundays and or Wednesdays is wonderful, but do you strive to live it?  Do you actually bring it into you day to day lives?  Or do you live it only when reminded or when it suits you.  I try incredibly hard to live it in my daily life, to put my troubles to rest and have faith that it will work out as it is supposed to.  To treat others with a sense of humanity and humility.  Reminding myself with each person I meet that they are going through their own trials and hurdles and it is my job to help them along their way not to hinder.pizap.com13671617417791

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Life is a dance…..

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I just got a message from Word Press, I can’t believe that I have been blogging for three years now.  I looked back through my posts and I am utterly amazed at the twists and turns that life takes.  I am speechless as to the things I have learned in three short years about myself, about my ideals, and about my heart.

I started blogging for healing purposes, it started out in a letter to my mom just after she pasted from this tangible earth.  After filling several notebooks, a friend told me that I should write a blog.  That I wasn’t the only one going through these emotions, struggles, or pain.  That others out there could learn from my day to day life.

Some of my posts have been surprising not just to others but to myself.  I am often amazed at the things that I am willing to share here.  But the whole thing is that they are still letters to my mom.  Things I should have shared, things I wish I could share, and most of all a few minutes each day spent in meditation with her.

Do I really think I touch others?  I don’t really know for sure, but if I do then I have in some way tithed my soul for the day.  I feel that no matter what the situation, what the pain, what the happiness, if we share those things with others we lead not only them but ourselves to be better people.

In the three years I have been blogging, I have buried dad, gone back to school for a bit, and lived my day to day life.  I have shared the struggles and the happiness of all of them.  I have sought solitude and refuge in written word, gone out into the world and found it in nature.  I have grown and shaped myself into a better, more loving and peaceful person…. and I have brought you along for the ride.

I have lived, loved, and even cried through the posts that I have written, I have sold some and shared some but most of all I have read them all.

Thank you all for your encouragement, your love and your honesty.  Thank you for chastising me when I wanted to give up and for holding me up when I couldn’t find my own strength.

So I leave you with this today, life is a beautiful dance.  It takes the forward and backward motion and all the side to side to move forward around the dance floor to the music of our hearts.  Touch lightly as you do, for everyone you meet is struggling with their own dance.

Thank you, love and blessings always~~ Becca

shots in the dark….

Two shots rang out through the darkness of the night tonight.  The dogs woke me barking, you could tell it wasn’t at another animal but it had an urgency about it.  I stepped into the kitchen and saw two figures standing behind the pickups.  Both male, dressed in dark clothing.  Distracted by the dogs, I grabbed the shot gun and headed out the north door.  Standing in the darkness I hear one of them tell the other to “just break out the window and lets get out of here.”  I raised the shot gun and shot into the air above the pasture.  Racking the second load of double 00 into the chamber I hear footfalls across the gravel, into the paved road in front of the house.  I fired again.  The dogs are chasing the fleeing footsteps then I hear two car doors over in the school parking lot, a motor come to life and a car speed off away from the house.  My message to the two young men, this is my property and I am not above protecting it or myself late in the night.  

my failure.

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How could I fail you?  Fail you at such a time that was so vital?  How could I carry you, do for you everything you asked then at that most critical moment not be there?  My heart breaks to think of it, tears escaped my eye today thinking about it, admitting what I was feeling.

As I drove to the lake today I realized why I won’t or can’t leave the house for long periods by myself.  As long as I am busy when I do, I am okay I don’t over think it.  But the stress engulfing me when I have to is beyond my control.  Even going to work causes my heart to race, my skin to get clammy and my head to hurt.

The afternoon before I sent Daddy to the hospital was payday.  Bills had to be paid in town, groceries had to be bought.  Dad and I talked about me putting it off but he thought it best that we get it done anyway.  For a year before, when I had to leave the house I left John with Daddy.  Even though he couldn’t do much to help, he could at least pick up the cell and get me here fairly quickly.

That day John needed to go into town too.  I raced from place to place, leaving John in the pick up as much as I dared.  Daddy told me that he would stay in bed and take a nap until I got home.  He had not been feeling real well, he was sleeping more, but he was still holding his own for the most part.

I came up Bangs hill and John told me that I needed to slow down.  He said that I didn’t need to kill he and I trying to get back to daddy.  At 85 mph, I capped the top headed to the house.  I left John sitting in the pick up in the drive, keeping the air conditioner on so that the groceries we bought wouldn’t spoil and I ran into the house to check on dad.

I found him standing at the bathroom sink, calling my name as I cleared the front door.  I was instantly in there with him.  He told me that he had made it to the bathroom but he couldn’t return to the bed.  He had been standing there holding onto the sink for a good 20 minutes.  I grabbed the wheelchair and pulled it so that he could sit but he wouldn’t release the sink for fear of falling.  I put my arms around this wonderful, gentle man and said, “Daddy, do you trust me?”  His reply was, “with every ounce of my being.”  I kept my arms around him, and told him to turn loose of the sink, as he did I pivoted him into the wheelchair.  

How could I have been so stupid??  How could I have gone into town knowing that he wasn’t feeling well?  It is a mistake that I won’t let happen with John.  I won’t let him or anyone else that I am in charge of caring for ever be alone like that.  I can’t.  I am so sorry Daddy.  I am sorry that I failed you like that.

Decisions……

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Life isn’t always fair, bad things happen to really good people and blah blah blah.  These are not things  we all don’t already know.  We all know  there is evil in the world and sometimes it crosses our path.  We know  bad things happen in life, but what we forget to think about is: it is how we react, how we cope, how we choose to let it effect us that makes the difference.

For many years, I chose to be a victim of circumstance.  I was angry at the world and chose to hurt others rather than be hurt.  I had yet to learn to choose my battles wisely.  I was unhappy with who I was and I took it out on others.

Luckily, I have learned to be mindful of others for they all have their own battles to face.  We each have a path  we must take and lessons to learn which are solely our own.  I have watched people for many years, as they struggle and battle as I once did.  As they placed blame for their own decisions at other peoples feet. 

We all face decisions everyday whose outcome can instantly change our path, our destiny. We must learn to be mindful of others as we do so.  We must remember, every action does have an equal and opposite reaction.  With each decision we make, we are not the only ones effected.  When someone else is effected, we must also acknowledge their feelings,  reactions, and thoughts.  Remembering  it is our decisions, not the actions or reactions or words of others but those of our own heart and mind bringing us too this place.  We are the ones making the decision.

I try to walk a path in which my decisions make as little intrusion as possible in others lives.   It is when the decisions of others cause me harm or heartache that I must make a decision as to the extent of what I am willing to endure, ignore, or express upon.  

It is my decision to keep my world free of drama, free of selfish and inconsiderate people, free of negative and draining things.  In doing so, I keep a calmness, a love of life and people, and a hope of sharing this peace with others.  Some days, I feel as if I fail the last part miserably.  I  have to remind myself, you can lead a horse to water but you cannot force it to drink.  It is our own decision to feel guilty, to be a victim, or to rise above and draw strength and learning from the bad things happening along our life path.

 

 

Acceptance….

There is a new video going around Facebook of Dustin Hoffman talking about his roll in ‘Tootsie’, he talks about them making him into a woman.  He told them if he wasn’t a realistic looking woman that he wouldn’t do the film.  When he first saw himself made as a woman he was upset because he wasn’t a beautiful woman.  Realization dawned on him that he had missed getting to know interesting women because they were not aesthetically pleasing.

I remember not long after I married John, we were going to a wedding and I was dressed up.  I asked him if I was pretty.  He never hesitated, “You’re no bombshell.”  I was crushed.  I felt like he had settled for second best maybe because he did not think he deserved the best.

I already knew that I wasn’t a bombshell, that wasn’t what I was asking.  I wanted to know if he thought I was beautiful, not just in looks but as me.  Unbeknownst to me, I retreated into a cavern and hid for many years.  But it wasn’t just his remark that caused the retreat, I used to ask my mother the same question only to be told, “Pretty is as pretty does.”  So I again took it that I wasn’t pretty in her eyes either.

It didn’t matter what I wore, if I had make-up on or not, or if I acted or spoke nice or not.  I was not worthy.  

It wasn’t until years and years later, when I began to look back over my life.  At friendships, at relationships, and at people that came and went in my life that I realized that through my own feeling of unworthiness did I find the ability to see people as souls. 

I learned that there was more to each person that the shell that encompassed their soul.  Personality, honesty, drive, heart, laughter, intelligence all are more important than body.  We are all flawed human beings.  We all make mistakes, we all show our ass on occasion and we certainly all have physical flaws.  It is when we learn to accept our own flaws that we can except those in others.

Take note, people are people.  They have physical scars, they have emotional scars, and they have scars of the heart but it is each of those scars that make them unique, that make them interesting, that make them so very worthy.   It is not by your looks alone that you will be remembered but by your actions, your words, your heart, and your treatment of others.

by Joe Martino

I came across this touching video and thought it was worth a share. It’s amazing to see people being touched by this video as in the moments watching, we realize the truth about how we view beauty and appearance. We so often overlook and do not give credit to those who are deemed “not as beautiful” in this world. Whether you are a man or a woman, realize your own beauty and perfection. Do not define yourself by your appearance, clothing, make up, job or status etc. It is not who you are and don’t ever let anyone make you feel that you are not already perfect as you are.

just enough love….

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There have been times in my life that I should have been more apt to do this, but seems that it has only come about with age and wisdom.  This month seems to be a month this life lesson is bound to be learned.  I don’t know if my patience level is just stretched that far or if I have just finally decided that I love myself more than enough to deal with things.  It is as if I have been living on hold for the past year, watching, learning, preparing for the next phase of life.  It was as if every time I decided it was time to move ahead the universe hit me with a rock and made me sit still and listen.  Work has been stressful and more or less a disaster.  Don’t get me wrong, I love people, I love my customers but I hate the feeling that I am being used.  It is one of those times in life that you look around and go…this is a no where job.  So, I turned in my resignation and am moving forward.  Little bit scared of that for I don’t usually quit one job when I don’t have a clue what to do next.  But for some reason I know that this is what I am supposed to do.  I know that something bigger and better is waiting for me to turn loose of this.  Put my trust in what will be.

There seem to be people in my life that have come to the same place as my job.  People that are draining me of vital energy.  People that are keeping me in a place of constant upheaval.  It is time to cull the herd and move forward there too.

I love me enough to stand flat footed, lace up my boots and take a stand.  Am I angry?  No. But in the past week I can’t tell you how many people have come up, hugged my neck or sent me a text to ask if I am okay.  I have been so blown away by people, even strangers who have asked me this.  It was as if I was putting out into the universe a plan of change.  Time to clean out the house and start again.  Keeping those people and things that mean so much to me, and replacing that which has been eating at me for awhile.

I love my self enough to release the negative and replace it once again with all that is good and positive.  Life is too short, too precious not to.