nighttime…..

ImageAway.  Far and away I ran.

Looked into the mirror.

Returned.  Deep dark circles.

Pain.  Fear.  Ending.

Life is where?

Is this all it has to hold?

Tired.  of hurting.  of seeking.  of being.

Any one missing more than what can be provided?

Any one notice?

Pushing what is needed.

Ever think of giving?

Just to drive and never stop.

Tired of giving

what was the cost.

See my thoughts,

hopes

and dreams?

See that I too have loves and dreams.

Tired of people

of their ever need.

Drained tonight.

Advertisements

The healing day.

Image

Wrapped in her arms, in a hug so dear, I laid my head on her shoulder and it all became quite clear.  There is nothing in this world that we can’t accomplish or over-come.  She’s not just my daughter, not just my best friend, she is in fact my soul mate from the being to end.

With everything that has gone on since May, I had pushed all emotion to the back and put it on ignore.  Yesterday I had a dream, that made me really think.  I talked to Kristen last night to find that she too was having a rough time.  I honestly took off towards Austin this morning with the idea that a long drive and taking pics would help clarify my heart and soul.  I took maybe 10 pictures the whole trip.  Instead, I spent the day with Kristen.  With Trey when he got off work just chilling.  We went out to lunch, then cooked dinner at home.

I watched as her and Trey interacted.  He is so much more than my son-in-law.  From day one he was as much a part of us as anyone else.  He is my friend, he is my son.  He is a special man that I admire and respect.  

Image

 

I have watched the two of them from the start, growing together and sticking together.  I have watched through good times and bad, through those times of grief, of fear, of the unknown.  They may quarrel some times but they always seem to talk it out and work it out together.  I am so incredibly proud of them both.

Today was about healing and healing we did.  I love you both so much, thank you for a beautiful day!!Image

 

Looking up and knowing that it is all going to be okay.  

Life Happens 2013

ImageA shaman that I know posted this on Facebook today, I think it is something that we all need to read and take to heart.

Things to Remember for 2013

Remember
Your presence is a gift to the world,
You are beautiful and one of a kind.

Remember
Your journey can be exactly what you wish it to be.
You create your reality.

Remember
Don’t limit your horizons.
Your dreams are waiting for you.

Remember
Find gratitude in all that comes your way.
Count your blessings, not the stumbling blocks.

Remember
You have all your answers within.
Have the courage to stand still and listen.

Remember
Don’t take life so seriously.
Make time for playing and laughing.

Remember 
Love goes a long way.
While pain and hurt grow heavier day by day.

Remember
Friends are treasures.
Forgiveness mends the broken pieces of many treasures.

Remember
You make a difference in the world.
You choose what that difference is.

Remember
Everyday – you are special
You are loved.

 

There were many things about the above that really made me stop and think.  I know without a doubt that I am loved not just by one or two people, but by my family and friends.  2012 was a rough year that I am pleased to say I will never have to repeat again.  I knew that it was really bothering me, but I don’t guess that I knew how badly.  I came home from work the other night on break, sat down at the table next to John.  He looks across the table and says, “I think you need to make a trip to the beauty shop this week.”  I sat there for a moment and replied, “I know it looks a little shaggy but it is so short that I don’t think it can be trimmed up just yet.”  His reply was, “When was the last time you really looked in the mirror?”

I look in the mirror every morning for sure, and probably several times throughout the day.  What I had not really noticed was that since Dad passed away my hair had turned nearly completely white.  It isn’t unusual for my eyebrows, in times of massive stress, to turn bright white, but my hair has never done it completely.  I knew that my body has been rebelling but I have not known to what extent.  When mother died it was more obvious.  I went into diabetic keto acidosis, with my blood sugar running in the 400’s, just wanting to not move from the bed and being able to loose a pant size over night, and my hair falling out to the point that I shaved my head, it was very obvious.  With dad, it has been more of a subtle thing.  My iron levels have shot through the roof, making my blood like tar and having to go give a pint or two a week.  Blood thinners and 3 aspirin a day are keeping my heart pumping but the lack of circulation in my hands has made three fingers on each hand numb.  

I know that it isn’t just the stress of loosing him, but all that goes with it that is causing all this.  The bills to be paid, lawyer stuff to have to do, and in all honesty, for the first time in my life I don’t have anyone to really take care of.  I have John to care for but even in the condition that he is in he isn’t a difficult patient.  But with his illness also comes the reality that I HAVE to find my own path.  I HAVE to find some sort of career that is going to sustain me.  Image

I have never been a proponent of depending on someone else to take care of me.  A friend of mine asked me earlier today, “How on earth did it come about that you are a pants wearer?”  All I could say was “Life happens.”  I have for years had to be the one that took care of everything, that made a living, that fixed everything from the car to the up-keep on the house.  Life happens.  You do what you have to do and you get done what needs to be done.  You don’t have the time or the energy to stop and complain about it, you just keep plugging along and get it done.  

Since Dad died though, I have learned many things.  Things about myself, about life, and about my relationships with others.  I have learned why it was that mother had to go first.  I needed that time with Dad to heal, to learn who and what he really was.  I learned why he understood me better than anyone else on the planet.  I was his mini-me.  From his empathy for others and his privacy of his own true feelings, he understood because he too felt it.  In our many conversations, I learned that my grandfather did too.  It is that empathy, that absolute love for my fellow man that gets me hurt.  That keeps me from trusting many people.  I am now at a place in my life where I have to trust, that I have to trust in the love and goodness of others.  That has to be my goal for this year…. learn to trust that you are loved and that others will do the things that they should do that are right and just.

Some where along the way this year, as I take these little baby steps, I must find my path.  Find the direction that I am supposed to take.  With so many unanswered questions, I have to remember…baby steps, small goals, not long term.  In the last six months, I have written very little, I have photographed even less, and I have not seemed to been able to express in either medium my feelings.  Bottled away deep inside, kept from the public eye, there is a small soul screaming to get out.  I have not talked to much of my family during this time, and I know that they think I am mad at them.  The truth in that is I don’t know how to help them heal, I haven’t trusted them in 44 years enough to share my feelings or to accept theirs.  So, in small baby steps I try to open doors that closed 31 years ago.  To make connections, keep connections and to realize that I can’t fix everything and that not everything is or was my fault.

In talking with my sister the other day, something Dad said slipped past my lips.  “If you worry about it for even a second, then you have not let the creator have all of your trust or your faith that he will take care of all things.”   It really hit home that I had instead of giving it all to him, had been worrying instead.  Even though in the past two months he has shown me that I will be cared for and about, I still worried.

2013: The beginning.  To show my friends how much they mean to me.  To show my family that they are a part of me.  To learn trust.  To take those baby steps in finding a new life, a new home, and the best me that I can be.  Dad was right in one thing,  I will succeed.  I will come out on top, I will survive to fight another day.

So, with the white hairs hidden under the new auburn, the lawyer work in progress, bills being paid off, and a new year ahead.  Life happens.