my thoughts today




Baby steps have never been my strong suit.  I am so used to just doing what needs to be done and taking care of what needs taken care of.  When I was younger, if I got hurt or was stressing it always came out in my teeth.  After Dad died without the teeth to absorb the pain, it has come out in my legs.  I have learned that sitting with dad had a price.  Going back to work exasperated the pain.  But pushing myself a little more everyday and wearing my knee braces, ankle braces and good shoes each day it gets a little better.  I didn’t understand why I was going to work at the dollar store for it was just a job not a career.

I am beginning to understand that it is one of those baby steps to teach me something.  I am learning that there was truth to mother saying that I am my father made over.  I enjoy being out in the public.  I enjoy making friends and meeting people.  I have made several new friends.  I love to laugh and cut up with all the people that come into the store.  I enjoy the elderly people that come in and I am concerned for each of them in their trials and tribulations.  Will I make the dollar store a career?  Not happening.  But it has reminded me why I kept the name Cutups for my own business.  It has reminded me that I do have good work ethic and that people are genuinely not too bad to deal with.

My friend Barbara used to be a career councilor and in one of our conversations the other day she asked me a very pointed question. ” What would you pick as a career that would make you completely happy?  You have worn so many hats as far as employment goes and are incredibly knowledgeable about so much which one would you choose to make a part of your life?”  In all honesty after some reflection, I don’t know.  For the first time in my life, I don’t have anyone but me to take care of.  I don’t have anyone to worry about but me and I honestly don’t know how to take care of just me.  In fact, even day to day life has been different.  If I choose not to fix lunch or even dinner who is there to care?  If I choose to eat a piece of chocolate cake for dinner with a cold glass of milk it is okay because there isn’t anyone to have to fix a well rounded menu for.

I don’t think that anyone realized the full extent of what I was saying when I said that I was lost.  So totally and utterly lost.  But baby steps.  Little steps to find my own self.  To find my hearts desire.  I have come to understand the struggles that dad faced when he got out of the hospital when I was in high school and picked his self up and took a step everyday to keep living.  To open a new business at 68 and always keep moving forward.  How after mother died that he felt lost, that he felt discouraged so many times through his life but he always seemed to find something positive to move forward towards.  I too am finding the courage to move forward and his words “you, I don’t worry about you.  You are going to be just fine.”  I know now how and why he knew such things.  My hurdles are far from over but I know without a doubt that they are just hurdles and I can overcome them.

I am still in care mode though.  It is still my responsibly to take care of and protect.  I am still trying to do that with my siblings.  They are wanting to probate dad’s estate.  In not I am the one that is responsible for the financial issues that I face.  If I probate yes it would take part of the burden off of myself but at the same time it would cost all three of us money and as it is it is only costing me.  I wish I could get them to understand that.  I am the one paying Dad’s part of the hospital bills, I am the one paying on the back taxes that the people he and mom sold the house in Slaton left and I am the one that will continue to do so.  That is just part of the cost that probating would incur.  Lawyers fees and court cost would be added to that.  It isn’t like there was any estate to off set this, it wasn’t like there was any insurance to off set it.  So instead of letting my dad’s death be a burden to them as well, I choose to keep them from that.  They keep pushing though and I will stop being that way and let the chips fall where the will.  Besides, instead of being up front and talking to me and us doing this as a family like always I am deemed the outsider the bad  guy and they talk to each other instead.  After the first of the year when all is paid and taken care of then I probably will probate the will.  I  have to in order to put this place in my name to sell it.

I don’t know if my brother knows what the will says but I do know that my sister does so I am sure that he does too.  These were my parents wishes and it is my job to see that they are followed.  It isn’t what I asked for, it isn’t what I think but what they thought.  So, that is that.

Life is actually beginning to fall back into place and I am seeing what the future holds and I am actually happy.  I am feeling that it will all work out and in the end I will be where I am supposed to be and be doing what I love.

love & daggers

ImageA dagger, buried deep into my heart.

Words thrown in anger, in hate, or even whispered in disgust.

They don’t have to be said to me, or about me even.

Walking on a sidewalk, a pair of lovers ahead of me.  

He leans close, “You’re such a bitch.”  

A small girl standing at the counter of the local store,

blonde hair up in pig-tails, blue eyes wise beyond her years.

Her parents standing there yelling at each other,

she backs away.  I kneel beside her, taking her hand.

I feel her fear, her hurt.  I speak softly to her taking her mind and heart

into a simple story I keep just for those occasions.

As her mother reaches back and grabs her by the arm, pulling her out the door,

she looks back and smiles.

A tattered old man walks down the street, cars pass him and honk.  I know the

things they say about him.  He smells.  He isn’t all there.  He needs new clothes.

Each time they talk about him it is as if I am struck in the middle of the back with a hammer.

I pick him up and take him to the store, waiting patiently for him to choose his purchases

carefully.  He was an art teacher at one time, he loves to read and he has no family that

lives close.  

Do you feel it too?  The stabbing pain, the physical hurt from the things people say?

Do you think about every word that escapes your mouth so someone else

won’t feel that pain?  Do you love so much and care so much for strangers that their pain

is felt in you?   


Holding Hands




Take my hand and walk a mile.

Hold my hand and show me love,

Hold my hand and hug me tight,

Today, tomorrow, and through the night.

Untold trust and friendship true.

Keep things simple, with hurdles too,

walk beside me and I will stand by you

and see you through.

Look into my eyes my friend, see what my soul says.

Know the secrets that the tear drops hide, the smile evades, and the laughter drowns.

Take my hand and stay awhile, teach me what you will.

Now go ahead and walk with me, 

a stroll down life’s path, 

holding each other’s hand.