It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings ♥
It does take courage to grow up, to do the right things, to take care of the right things I guess. But what about those of us that have always been grown up? That have always done the things that should be done, that have always taken care of the people, places, and things that had to be? When you wake up one morning to that spot in life that it is only you to take care of?
I talked long and hard with my best friend and his mom the other day. We talked of the past and some of the things the two of us got into as kids, we talked of the present and things that we had all been doing, we talked of partners and the relationships that were present, we talked of health issues, and the sunrise, the moonbeams on the water, and everything in between. It was enlightening to sit with a group of people and know from your very being that you are loved unconditionally. That your past, your present, and your future doesn’t matter. That you could talk openly about people that that have blessed your life, who they were and exactly what they meant to you.
At one point, when it was just Bev and I sitting at the table, she asked me, “So how are you doing really?” Without hesitation, I looked at her and said, “I am so lost right now.” She understood, pegged it instantly and knew how to help me find the words to describe what I was feeling.
For the first time in my life, I want to stand with my arms out-stretched, my legs apart and scream to the world….. “This is ME! This is all I am!! I may not be perfect in your eyes, but I am perfect!” I want to take all the skills I have gathered while doing my chores in life and strike out into the world and make it mine. Bev hugged me the other day and told me that I had done everything I was supposed to, Daddy told me the same thing the night he died. Both of them told me that I should have no regrets, no guilt, and no remorse. That the time had dawned for me to step into the light and shine as bright as I am.
Last night, as I sat here in the kitchen, looking out across the dark landscape, I missed him so much. I missed being able to let him plant my feet firmly and move forward from there. Tears streaked my cheeks as I finally let grief envelope my being. I sat and let the tears heal my soul and his love fill my heart.
It is time to go out into the real world and find my own spot. To show the world the best side of me and just be. With that said, I have a million things to remove from my life, to simplify my life and to readjust to my needs, my wants, and my dreams. To actually narrow my focus to what makes me the best I can be.
I have avoided certain people through all this, I am sorry. I knew that I had to clear my head and heart of all the clutter before I saw them face to face. For the first time in my life, I have to go out and find me. I know that is going to hurt some people, it is not intentional. I know that some people are going to be utterly surprised, surprise is good for you. For now, I don’t want the weight of the world upon my shoulders, it has been there all of my life. I don’t want to answer to someone for where I am going, what I am doing and why? No tethers. Just freedom to experience life. It is like that split second after the mother bird pushes her baby over the edge of the nest. The fleeting moment until it realizes that it CAN fly. I can fly!!! I can soar above the world and land on the tallest point and laugh and love while I do it. I can be this soft gentle soul that guides, that heals, and loves from my very core, and be the hardheaded go getter that I am!!