the sea-doo adventure.

 

 

I found a pic of Dad today, I had to smile!!  I took this pic just before we moved down here.  I bought my sea-doo on this day.  Notice the lack of a jumpsuit on my father?  Dad took the sea-doo out for a spin.  He loved it!!  He never would let me own a motorcycle…”Those are too dangerous!!”    Watching daddy on the sea-doo reminded me of a kid with a new rice-rocket!!  He and mom had a blast.  I on the other hand took Kristen for a spin.  Turned too quick, rolled the sea-doo and dumped her.  She hated it instantly.  Then I was supposed to be helping Kristen and Mom get the doo ready to trailer, dad was backing the truck.  Instead of helping I was standing in the lake playing with the minnows. 🙂  It was a wonderful day.  One of very few that found dad in something other than a jumpsuit.

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Sunday morning thoughts.

In the early dawn, Sunday morning meditation for me is a drive with my camera.  Seeking nature, seeking solitude, and enjoying the radio.  I drove down the road to Santa Anna, Texas this morning.  It is a tiny town of less than 2000 residents.  The traffic on main street this morning was my pick-up and the local grocer just arriving to open the tiny grocery store.  The sun was just right in the east for some great pics and the sleepy little town was mine for the asking.  There are some great old buildings that line main street, the locals have set up shop drawing on the tourist trade.

But with the price of gas, the economy in the dump even I realize that these people are struggling.  Some of the craft shops have closed their doors.  Some of them supplement with online store fronts too but even they seem to be having a hard time.  There is an old church that has fascinated me for years, I parked in the Allsup’s parking lot to take some pictures of it.  It is more run down that when I was there a year ago.  The weeds are better than waist high and the poor old church is a little more rundown than before.  Standing at the intersection taking pictures, a lady scrambles to stay out of my shot path.  I giggled at her and asked if I could take her picture.  She declined laughing and telling me that the camera would just break.  I stood there talking to her for a long time.  She told me that the old church was owned by a doctor that didn’t live in Santa Anna any more.  He refused to sell the property and he refuses to fix the church.    She told me of intruders trying to take pieces of the original insides of the building, the original woodwork and of the large amount of snakes and other small critters that now call it home.  I watched as she began to show a love for the old building, a love for her hometown, and a love for sharing it.  I watched her eye become more intense with every sentence she spoke.  A couple out for a morning walk came up the street.  Young and active, the two stopped to see if I was lost or needed help.  The four of us stood talking about their city for quite some time.  Of the struggles life offered in the small town.  We talked of it’s history, it’s present, and hopes of a better tomorrow.  We talked about the Mountain that rises above the small town.

I left the kind people of Santa Anna to go about their day.  I drove about the streets, taking a few more pics of different buildings and soaking up the quiet Sunday morning before heading back to Bangs on the dirt back roads.  Some times, even though I have set out to capture the world about me with my shutter, I forget and just let the ride take my mind and my heart.  Still thinking of the conversations with the locals, and seeking my own answers I just drive.  The window down and the dirt billowing up behind the truck, the radio capturing my heart and soul, I find solitude.

I find that a full grown wild turkey, when motivated by the sound of the truck, can and will take flight.  Perching about half way up the nearest tree.  I find that people of this area are a proud, earth-loving people.  They are proud of their state, their religion, their beliefs, and their country.  The may not have much money but what they do have is pride, love, and dignity.

The love of life, the love of the land.  People here have heart.

A door always opens.

They say that when one door closes in life that another one opens.  I know that personally, it usually opens some little window and I have to make my own door.  This week is starting out that way.  A small hole, with just enough light to guide me by, to show me just where the opening is.  It has been a hectic week, getting stuff moved to Austin for Kristen and Trey last night.  It is always hard for me to leave them.  I left Austin last night at midnight, finding my way back to the highway.  I had enjoyed the ride down as the sun was setting, seeing all the beauty of nature and finding a million things I am going back one afternoon to shoot.  Watching the kids in the rear view mirror, knowing that there was excitement about getting the load in the back of my truck to their new apartment.  The sun setting in the distance and the road before us a clean slate.

The return trip, I saw a lot of deer.  Not those that run across the road, not those that are running from the truck.  I stopped at the stop sign in Lampasas to get on highway 84 headed north to Brown County.  There in front of me eating in the median was a whole herd of deer.  They didn’t run at the sight of me, instead they look up like “Please, I am eating here!”  I hate deer.  I hate to drive when I know they are running so much.  I tend to get extremely tense and have paid the price today with sore shoulders.  I fell into bed and slept until about 7am then up and took John to the doctor.

It has been nearly two months since dads funeral.  Since they came and picked up all the oxygen equipment and I didn’t have to make sure I was at the house so they could deliver oxygen, supplies and breathing medications.  Tomorrow, we start it all over again.  Taking oxygen levels, making sure there is all the stuff that needs to be taken care of.  I know where this road leads, I know where the ending is.  Nobody wins.  Kristen doesn’t win.  John doesn’t win.  I don’t.

In dealing with the oxygen people today, it dawns on me.  I want to travel, to explore my photography and my writing.  I want to share with the world the way I see the world.  (the world may not want to see it, but I am going to share it)  Be in your face and personal.  People have quit being personal.  They have quit being real.  I have always worked in the medical profession, but I have never wanted to be a nurse.  Never dreamed of having a medical degree.  But more to be a part of the support part.  I loved being a nurses aid for that reason, but for other reasons I hated it.  But in talking to the respiratory therapist today, there are other support areas.  Stepping stones to my dreams.  Stepping stones to my heart.

All of a sudden there are things falling into place.  There are people stepping in and saying, ” here…here is a great path.  It has always been there, it has never changed.  It is a little weedy at the moment, but bring your smile, your heart, your very soul upon it and it will be as beautiful as you.”    A door way back into life.  A little window, cracked just enough to let me see what the other side is like.  Given the choice to raise the window, tear out the sashes and make my own door.

Time seems to have stood still.  Like standing in the middle of a tornado.  Everything has been going full force all around me while I stood in the eye taking care of everyone caught up in the motion.  Learning the skills, the lessons, the realization that is going to sustain the rest of my life.   Though battered and with the battle scars to prove it, I made it through the outer motion.  Standing on a beautiful hillside looking out over a peaceful landscape that is calm and filled with warm sunshine.  Waking from a nightmare, to find that you are still 5 years old and you are safe in mom’s arms.  Looking through the slit in the door, timidly now but busting through it to grasp a future that was mine years ago.  Shutting doors that go no where, opening ones that last.

me.

It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~e.e. cummings ♥

It does take courage to grow up, to do the right things, to take care of the right things I guess.  But what about those of us that have always been grown up?  That have always done the things that should be done, that have always taken care of the people, places, and things that had to be?  When you wake up one morning to that spot in life that it is only you to take care of?

I talked long and hard with my best friend and his mom the other day.  We talked of the past and some of the things the two of us got into as kids, we talked of the present and things that we had all been doing, we talked of partners and the relationships that were present, we talked of health issues, and the sunrise, the moonbeams on the water, and everything in between.  It was enlightening to sit with a group of people and know from your very being that you are loved unconditionally.  That your past, your present, and your future doesn’t matter.  That you could talk openly about people that that have blessed your life, who they were and exactly what they meant to you.

At one point, when it was just Bev and I sitting at the table, she asked me, “So how are you doing really?”  Without hesitation, I looked at her and said, “I am so lost right now.”  She understood,  pegged it instantly and knew how to help me find the words to describe what I was feeling.

For the first time in my life, I want to stand with my arms out-stretched, my legs apart and scream to the world….. “This is ME!  This is all I am!!  I may not be perfect in your eyes, but I am perfect!”  I want to take all the skills I have gathered while doing my chores in life and strike out into the world and make it mine.  Bev hugged me the other day and told me that I had done everything I was supposed to, Daddy told me the same thing the night he died.  Both of them told me that I should have no regrets, no guilt, and no remorse.  That the time had dawned for me to step into the light and shine as bright as I am.

Last night, as I sat here in the kitchen, looking out across the dark landscape, I missed him so much.  I missed being able to let him plant my feet firmly and move forward from there.  Tears streaked my cheeks as I finally let grief envelope my being.  I sat and let the tears heal my soul and his love fill my heart.

It is time to go out into the real world and find my own spot.  To show the world the best side of me and just be.  With that said, I have a million things to remove from my life, to simplify my life and to readjust to my needs, my wants, and my dreams.  To actually narrow my focus to what makes me the best I can be.

I have avoided certain people through all this, I am sorry.  I knew that I had to clear my head and heart of all the clutter before I saw them face to face.  For the first time in my life, I have to go out and find me.  I know that is going to hurt some people, it is not intentional.  I know that some people are going to be utterly surprised, surprise is good for you.  For now, I don’t want the weight of the world upon my shoulders, it has been there all of my life.  I don’t want to answer to someone for where I am going, what I am doing and why?  No tethers.  Just freedom to experience life.    It is like that split second after the mother bird pushes her baby over the edge of the nest.  The fleeting moment until it realizes that it CAN fly.  I can fly!!!  I can soar above the world and land on the tallest point and laugh and love while I do it.  I can be this soft gentle soul that guides, that heals, and loves from my very core, and be the hardheaded go getter that I am!!

Friends…

horses

 

 

Taking a lesson from nature,

a friend is a friend

no matter the color of the hair or the skin.

It is what is on the inside

the heart side.

A person’s a person

no matter the dress.

If we would go back to nature,

there wouldn’t be such a mess.

a new day dawning

A new week begins.  A new path, a new journey, and new adventure begins today.  I am still seeking some answers but I figure that I will find them in time.  So much has changed so quickly that I am still in the processing mode.  Some days it feels like I am doing a free-fall from the edge of the atmosphere but I know that I am going to land on my feet, headed in the right direction.  No doubt in my mind there.

The questions I seek all seem to stem from the spiritual side of things.  Something has changed over the last month and I really don’t know if it needs fixed or not.   The gifts that have been bestowed upon me since birth have changed.  Drastically changed.  The massive amount of spirit activity has diminished so much that it seems eerily quiet.  Dad told me the night that he died that I had things that would come to an end.  That chores that I had worked on all of my life would finally be over, and he wasn’t talking about physical chores.  The lack of activity has in fact made my connections with the physical people in my world incredibly stronger.  For example, I picked up the phone and text a friend that lives two hours away.  A simple text….”Are you Okay?”  My heart was racing, I was feeling panic for her.  The text back was “I started watching a movie this morning and it sent me into a flashback.  How did you know?”    Even though I have done this all of my life, it has spread to people that I have never picked up before.  Stronger,  more vivid images and feelings are there.  Does ones gifts change that drastically and that quickly?

This week I start down a new path of sorts.  I am setting up my web page for my photography business, getting my business cards ordered, tying it to the new facebook page I just created and have my first softball tournament to shoot starting Friday and ending up on Sunday.  I am super excited about this adventure.  I am excited that I get to add a new telephoto lens to my collection!!   My goals are to use this adventure to purchase a new embroidery machine, give me time to find a new home, give me time to down size all the “stuff” in my life, and maybe give me time to go finish that last semester of college and get that degree.  Wow, that does seem like a lot to do, but I know that it will happen all in its own time.

Getting back to making me healthy, happy, and full of life again!!  Seeking out those things that I can share to make my heart heal, my soul sing and keep me sharing love, happiness, and the beauty that nature provides.

The quiet road

horse

 

Sitting on the edge of the pavement, the pick-up engine running as it sat in the middle of the two lane country road.  I sat at the edge of the pavement watching this incredible sunset and talking to the majestic animals in front of me.  The only noises were the engine of my truck, the whinny of the horses and the evening sounds of the birds, the crickets, and the cicada’s in the distant trees.

This was only the second photo excursion I have been on since he left.  I just seem to be at a loss as to where to go or what to do, even my day to day activities seem stalled.  I thought if I repainted his bedroom and bathroom that maybe that would get me started in a new direction.  I still have things sitting in the kitchen floor that I took out of the bedroom.

There have been many people in my life to cross over to the other side.  Most of whom I have talked to many times, some only once or twice, and 3 that I knew had gone on in peace and love to another place and time.  The first time it happened was with my Grandpa.  I was in my twenties when he passed and I had even asked my mother, his daughter, if she had ever seen him again.  She told me no and that was one of the hardest things that she ever dealt with was that he never told her good bye.  It made her wonder about his soul.  I, on the other hand, knew that he was at peace wherever he  was.  That he was happy and that he knew with all of his heart that the people that he left behind were going to be okay.  The second person that was that way was my mother in law.  She had suffered a short time with Myasthenia gravis before going into crisis.  But she was never seen or heard from again from the spirit world.  Dad is the third one.  All three of these people were incredible believers.

I don’t remember Grandpa going to church much, he is the one that taught me to seek natures temple.  Helen, my mother in law went to church every Sunday.  I asked her about that one time.  She told me the whole purpose of the church was fellowship, friendship, and to remind you to think about God the rest of the week.  Dad, I don’t remember him ever going to church with us.  When I took him into the ER, the lady asked him what denomination he was.  He thought for a moment and said well I was baptised when I was two in the Baptist church but I haven’t been to one in years.  I don’t believe in denominations, I have a faith in the Lord and that is all I need.

As I sat on the roadside, I thought of how quiet my mind had become in the last month.  How Daddy and I had talked verbally as well as telepathically for months.  The night he pasted, he asked me if I was awake.  I told him, “yes”.  He says, I want to talk to you but I wanted to be sure we were doing it verbally.  I think that is one of the hardest things right now is the quietness.  The quietness of the house, the quietness of his voice, the total quietness in my head.

I miss him dearly, but I know without a doubt that he is better now than he has been in many years. I know that he is happy, I know that he is well.  I also know that now is the time that I need to seek my own life, my own happiness, my own pathway in life.  But as of right now, I am sitting on a path watching nature, not know just where to go or why.