not always happy…..

There are times when I miss West Texas so much.  Yesterday was one of those times, it wasn’t the eclipse, it wasn’t the dirt, it wasn’t my home, but the people that I know with all my heart love me.  As much as try down here the possibilities of making those type of friends just isn’t possible right now.  I love where I am right now too but as happy as I am and as much as I make do, there are days like yesterday that really make me feel like I am in the middle of a vast ocean, an ocean made up of hills, mesquites, and rock, alone.  I feel like I am trapped and when I get that way I seem to be angry.  I get angry at mother for moving us down here and then leaving, I get mad because the kids are off living there own lives and I miss them so much.  I get angry at myself for feeling this way.  I get angry at family that seems to reiterate ideals from my childhood that they are not really a part of our lives unless it suits them.

Working hard out in the yard seems to be my release.  I am here day in and day out watching as the guys get worse.  Watching as their health fails a little more everyday.  I feel helpless.  I feel frustrated that I can’t make the pain, the struggles, the anguish go away.  I watch as dad struggles.  I watch as John fights.  Most days I deal with it all really well, I stay positive, I stay happy.  Yesterday was not one of those days.  I look to the Creator for peacefulness, for guidance, for strength.  But even as I do, there are times when I don’t even feel his presence.

I send love and strength to so many, why is it hard to ask for the same in return?  Why is it hard to show people that I am human, that I am not always strong, that I am not always happy.  I get tired of doing all the chores by myself, eating by myself, watching tv by myself, and yes there are times when the only person there is to talk to is me.  I get frustrated when I spend too much time online, but that seems to be the only access to people that I have.  This week, even going to the grocery store has been a challenge.  Daddy is really having a rough time, so I leave John here and go in the middle of the night to get what we need.  Thank goodness Wal-Mart and Kroger are 24 hours stores.

So I don’t really know how to ask for support, for a voice to calm this, or where to seek comfort.  I get out in nature, I go take pics from not to far away from the house but I have to find my soul again.

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