Daddy

I was incredibly blessed yesterday to watch as my most precious father battled for his own life but took every chance to show his children how much he loved them.  To show his grandchildren, both real and those that we have so grown to call ours how much they are a blessing and how wonderful they are.  How with each person that walked in the room to see to his care and his needs that he put a smile in their heart.  Talking with him deep into the night, knowing will all of my heart that he loved me so.  This morning about 5:30 that precious, wonderful, incredibly loving man said good bye.  Daddy, you are one of the most incredible men that I have ever known to walk in this world.  You have taught us how to love, to hope, and to be the best that we can be.  God speed to you our Angel.

 

Last night when every thing got quiet in the room Daddy took my hand and we spend some incredible time then about three this morning daddy said, “Wow!  I have kept her waiting all day, I guess I better go.”

Loving each person that blessed his life, Daddy has touched so many, many hearts and made each person that crossed his path laugh.  Thank you daddy for all the love and laughs!!!

Our Precious.

She called him “Precious” all my life.  Not until she was gone did I really realize just how appropriate that was.  He has been my rock all of my life, taking care of me even when I was grown.  Teaching me of many things, showing me new and wondrous places and things.  He is our Precious.  Watching him struggle with each and every breath, watching him fight for every heartbeat breaks my heart.

As we sit in his hospital room, neither of us giving up hope, we talk of better days, of past adventures, of loves and heartaches.  I look into those matching baby blue eyes that mirror my own and all I can do is smile.  To hold him close and love him with every ounce that my heart has.

I can remember when mother died, a family member was talking about how could a loving and caring God make someone suffer.  I know the answer to that.  To teach us that are still with them the true meaning of LOVE.  It is at those times that we learn to care, to love, and to realize just how precious life really is.

Daddy, I lift you up.  I hold you close, and I pray that this battle is not our last together.  I pray that he take away the worries, the pain, and the stress and replace them with love and healing light.  You are incredibly precious.  Thank you so much for blessing me with that.

questions……

It has been a busy morning.  Well, all mornings are busy around here, but that is what makes it special.  I was sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee and watching the sun rise out the kitchen window, the television playing one of my favorite movies, “Under the Tuscan Sun.”  As I am sitting there, I am wondering why do humans seek their happiness in others?    Why do we only think that happiness depends on the other people in our lives.

Humans don’t seem happy unless they are not alone.  I love being alone.  I get lonely on occasion, but that doesn’t make me unhappy, just lonely.  I have learned since mom died that my happiness solely depends on one thing… myself.  I watch people get into relationships and be totally “in Love”, but they are more in love with the idea of not being alone.  The love of having companionship.    They end up being just as unhappy later than they were alone, or they are even more unhappy because the chosen companion isn’t a good match.

So, learning to love yourself, to make yourself happy, to seek yourself before you seek others, to see in your own eyes what others see in you, makes those times when you are around others even more precious.  So, why do humans seek others first???

not always happy…..

There are times when I miss West Texas so much.  Yesterday was one of those times, it wasn’t the eclipse, it wasn’t the dirt, it wasn’t my home, but the people that I know with all my heart love me.  As much as try down here the possibilities of making those type of friends just isn’t possible right now.  I love where I am right now too but as happy as I am and as much as I make do, there are days like yesterday that really make me feel like I am in the middle of a vast ocean, an ocean made up of hills, mesquites, and rock, alone.  I feel like I am trapped and when I get that way I seem to be angry.  I get angry at mother for moving us down here and then leaving, I get mad because the kids are off living there own lives and I miss them so much.  I get angry at myself for feeling this way.  I get angry at family that seems to reiterate ideals from my childhood that they are not really a part of our lives unless it suits them.

Working hard out in the yard seems to be my release.  I am here day in and day out watching as the guys get worse.  Watching as their health fails a little more everyday.  I feel helpless.  I feel frustrated that I can’t make the pain, the struggles, the anguish go away.  I watch as dad struggles.  I watch as John fights.  Most days I deal with it all really well, I stay positive, I stay happy.  Yesterday was not one of those days.  I look to the Creator for peacefulness, for guidance, for strength.  But even as I do, there are times when I don’t even feel his presence.

I send love and strength to so many, why is it hard to ask for the same in return?  Why is it hard to show people that I am human, that I am not always strong, that I am not always happy.  I get tired of doing all the chores by myself, eating by myself, watching tv by myself, and yes there are times when the only person there is to talk to is me.  I get frustrated when I spend too much time online, but that seems to be the only access to people that I have.  This week, even going to the grocery store has been a challenge.  Daddy is really having a rough time, so I leave John here and go in the middle of the night to get what we need.  Thank goodness Wal-Mart and Kroger are 24 hours stores.

So I don’t really know how to ask for support, for a voice to calm this, or where to seek comfort.  I get out in nature, I go take pics from not to far away from the house but I have to find my soul again.