Stormy morning…..

As life has proven yet again the ups and downs are for learning.  I don’t know what I am supposed to be learning right now but it sure seems to be hitting me from all sides.  From financial, spiritual, and romance to just the day to day dealings with life.  I put it in the hands of God, but sometimes that doesn’t make the mind and heart be still.

I know that it will all work out the way it is supposed to but it doesn’t help my anger at some of the people in my life.  It doesn’t help the confusion as to why people have to be the way they are or do the things they do.  I would never intentionally hurt someone, I would never intentionally put more stress into someone else’s life, I would never make life more difficult for someone else.   Why would you do that to someone you are supposed to love?  Love is a gentle, sweet, and compassionate thing,  it wraps you in a feeling of euphoria it lifts your spirit and takes your heart and soul to a level that is so amazing.  I am not talking romance, but the love….. of family, of friends, of people in general.

How people can be so self serving, self centered, and miserable is beyond my comprehension.  Yes, there are things I need, there are things I want to accomplish, there are things that I strive for but not at the expense of people I love.

For example, I don’t like being told, ” I don’t see why I should help with dad, you are the one that is going to inherit everything anyway.”  Really?  No, that isn’t what the will says, but you know what?   I do have a trump card if you want to play that game.  I am perfectly willing to share what I have with you but if you are going to put a price tag on love I can trump you everytime.  Let me give you a little lesson on Texas inheritance law…….since it was MY mother that passed away first and she was married to OUR father, by law as her sole heir I get her half.    Okay so that gives you part of half.  There are three of us, so you get 1/3 of half.   Now, I can choose to make that how it is gonna be or I can be a good human and divide the whole into thirds.  It is up to you and how you want to play.  Now with all that said, let me give you another little tidbit to chew on…. worldly possessions don’t mean a shittenass thing to me.  I own a pick-up, a car, three trailers, two storage boxes and a whole bunch of other crap.  I have awesome antiques, I have awesome jewelry, I have some incredible works of art.  I would walk away from all of it for the time and memories that I am making with the most incredible man on the planet.  So, in your self absorbed little brain, get a grip on reality.  I win no matter what because I choose love.  Some day I hope beyond hope that you find that in that book you thump so hard.  You seek guidance but you don’t open your heart, mind or soul to what you are shown.  Pity,  because that is a very lonely life.  Let go of the idea that the one that dies with the most toys wins, because the way I look at it the one that dies with the most love lives on in the ones that are left behind.  I am the youngest of all of us,  I have lost a parent, and I fight everyday to take care of the one parent that we share.

I realize that I am not easy to comprehend.  I know that I am incredibly different.  I have seen and lived through things in the past that most people will never know about, that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy but I have sifted through it all and learned what I was supposed to and left the rest in the past.  It wasn’t easy nor was it fun, but it brought me to the here and now.  It has made me a very compassionate, loving person that I have grown to love.    I am hard working and I am probably more devoted to my family than most but you know what?  I see that as only a good thing.  Don’t walk into my world and mess with that cause I will rock your world.  There is one thing that I have learned along the way….  I can walk away and never look back.  That means that in my world you become non-existent.   I can do it with family, friends, and love interests, I have done it before and I really don’t mind doing it again.  You bless my life and I promise to bless yours.  You hurt me or the people I love then you don’t deserve to stay in my life.

Just needed to vent this morning.  Laying some ground rules.  Putting out some reminders.  It is a beautiful morning that has blessed me.  I am incredibly blessed by the people that are in my life and I love them all with a ferocity beyond words.  But some times it gets a little cloudy and I am forced to clean house.  

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enlightenment in the night

It has been many years since I read cards for anyone, the last person I read for was mother. I had given it up before that but she was quite persistent about it. I have never held much stock in card reading. Most of the time I don’t need the cards help to tell someone what is going on in their hearts or their energies. I was always the creepy, weird kid that would open my mouth and make people squirm. I guess that is one reason mother hammered into my head “little girls are to be seen and not heard.” I guess I took that to heart pretty good, I would much prefer writing you a note than vocalizing my thoughts.

Anyway, I was cleaning out the drawers in the spare bedroom and came across two things…my cards and a book that Bob had given me years ago. Bob was Mary Helen’s boyfriend for awhile. He gave me the book, a necklace with a bloodstone pendent, and a pair of silver earrings that are butterflies for my birthday one year. He told me he would explain them all to me sometime. They broke up before we got that done. I have always loved both the necklace and the earrings. Bloodstones are one of my favorite stones. I would choose a piece of jewelry with a bloodstone over a diamond any day. I just don’t like diamonds. There are prettier stones in this old world. The earrings were unique and since I have always had a passion for butterflies they fit really well into my world. They are small and pretty so I wear them often. Anyway, the other night I had no cell phone, and the internet was being really crappy so I picked up the book (I have never read it) and curled up on the bed to read. ‘The Medicine Wheel..Earth Astrology.’ As I began to read the preface I knew that I would fall in love with this book. Everyone on Mom’s side of the family seems to denounce their native american roots. I asked Papa about it once, he said that there was but that he couldn’t prove it. With the family having come from Oklahoma I tend to think that is where it came from. Any way I have always embraced all the parts of my genetic being…as warped as it may be. Anyway I am reading about the Medicine Wheel something that has on and off haunted my dreams. At the time I didn’t realize that it was what was in my dreams but as I read about it I knew what was in the dream. In the dream I am dressed as a raven, standing facing the morning sun. I got to thinking in my photographs of nature I prefer to be facing the rising sun. Watching it break the horizon and shine on my face. Warming my front as it lights up the day. I love the fall of the year, I love everything about it. It is one of the most beautiful seasons of all. The only thing that bothers me about it is the transition that the sun makes at the very first of the season moving south in the sky. Anyway, I looked up my astrological sign on the medicine wheel. As I read, things seem to make so much sense. The raven. Brown..the color of Autumn. The color of the ground when it is put away in preparation for the long cold winter. Bloodstone. Brown in color but can also have reddish brown, black, blue, yellow, and green in it. The one that Bob made my necklace out of has little pieces of each in it. It is quite unique and suits me fine. That is the one thing that I remember him telling me was that he had looked long and hard for just the right stone. He said that when I got lost that I would only have to look at it to remember that I am perfect and unique. “Raven people, when they have attained their balance, can be like the most treasured amulet of their stone….all heart. They are kind, loving, considerate and truly concerned with the welfare of others. When they have reached this state, they have the power to absorb the warmth of the sun and to reflect it to all those whom they meet.” As I read further the Butterfly clan of the West has a tendency to have to find their own balance. They have to journey through their own heart, their own thoughts to come to this place of balance and love. I have been through that journey, I have lived on the unbalanced side of life. I don’t think when Bob gave me the items that I was any where near finding that balance. I know I wasn’t and I know that I wasn’t ready to listen to what he had to say. I remember at the time I was going to Texas Tech and was probably at my most out of balance. All things come in their own time and place in life. I am so glad that he gave me the book for me to carry with me. I don’t know for sure were he is any more but I know that his heart fluttered the other night as I sent up gratitude to him.

It was a very enlightening read. For the first time in life I feel at balance, I feel at ease with my own self.

After reading for about an hour and devouring that book, I turned to that set of cards. I took them out of the box and shuffled them. I played with them and read several of them. You should never give yourself a reading and I know that. But just messing with them I decided that there wasn’t anyone else around to read for so I laid out the cards, said a prayer and drew a 4 card layout. I love to read about all the Goddesses and I love the pictures on each one. The first card….what is the situation….Inanna (embracing the shadow)….it is time to dance with your dark side, to embrace it and let go of the bad in your life. The second card….what is hidden that is causing the situation….Morgan Le Fey…needing to discover your own rhythms. The third card….what can be actively done to correct the situation….Nu Kua (order)…..she comes into your life to create order. The fourth card….what needs to be experienced……Coatlicue (grief)….face the grief that you have been keeping in your heart. I sat on the side of the bed and thought, “Wow, the last month I have done just that. I have come to terms with the grief that had me stagnant started uncluttering and getting rid of and going back to the path that I know I need to be on. I put the cards away and turned out the light. As I lay in the darkness of the bedroom I smiled. Life has some full circle and I am so blessed to have all the people that have helped, all the people that have left, all the people that have been patient and of course all that loved me anyway. I drifted off into a most peaceful sleep ever and woke with such energy I knew that all was good and so was I.

I am blessed!!

Wow! It was a great day yesterday!! This was the first birthday that I can remember that I didn’t spend the week before getting rid of baggage. Since my 24th birthday I have spent the days leading up to my birthday deciding what baggage can follow me for the next year. Not this time, in fact I really got the shock of my life this time.

I was so surprised when I looked around yesterday. I was so blessed and so loved that it filled my heart to over-flowing. Had I actually come that far? Had I actually climbed that high?

On my 40th birthday I decided I hated my life. I had finally had enough of being angry, lonely, and afraid. I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who or what I saw so I decided to change. I started by letting two incredible people into my life…a little bit at a time. Okay one just barged in and started kicking down walls, but she kept that mirror in front of me always showing me the real me. I searched for what and who made me happy. I experimented with new ideas and new feelings. I looked for the things that were missing in my life.

Every little baby step I took I saw more and more change in my life, I learned that the more love I gave the more room for love I had in my own heart. I learned that there are people that come into your life and bless it dearly and then journey on to their next place, I have learned that even when you give a piece of your heart and no love is returned that it is okay too, I have learned that fear is an emotion that is strong enough if we let it to conquer your entire existence.

I looked back today and saw a road that was littered with flowers of friends, filled with sunshine of love, and of course there were a few rocks that I had to over come. But even when I have been hurt it has brought me closer to the person that I really am.

I do not fight being that kind soft hearted person that I am. I don’t have to have that incredibly hard shell to protect her. For now when she is hurt there are people in my life that step up and hold me, encourage me, and love me just the same.

It has taken me three years to get to this point and I am sure not finished yet. I finally let the past be just that the past. I embrace what it has made me but I no longer dwell on it. There is too much in the present to be utterly thankful for. I cannot put into words the inner fulfillment that my heart feels, I have given up trying to verbalize it, instead I live it. I share the love in my heart, I share the power of the energy that lives inside of me the one that connects us all. I live in knowing that if I touch each person I meet gently and lovingly that at some point a smile will cross their face too. No, my life is not perfect, it is not finished, and it is not always what I want it to be but it is filled with so many blessings that I will never be able to count them, so many smiles and so much love that each day is a little better than the one before. Those things that aren’t perfect or aren’t what I want them to be…only I can change them, accept them, and embrace them. They are there for a reason.

What an enlightening birthday. To wish for the people you love to be as blessed as you are, as loved as you are, and for them to know that they are perfect in every way for they fit perfectly in the fabric of life just like they are.

Growing up with Kristen…

I was 19 when I found out that I was going to have a baby, I never knew what was in store….

Kristen was never the normal baby, she was always an adventure. The first two years were fun. She cried incessantly for the first two weeks, night and day. She was never asleep!! I decided really quick that something had to give. I called the dr and she told me to try feeding her some solid food. Sleep at last. The next week we had colic and had to learn that a bottle of half sprite and half water would cure that. Ahhh….sleep at last. The first month she slept all night, and rolled over by herself.
She always did things ahead of time, at 18 months she didn’t talk like a baby, we were in the drugstore one night Kristen grabs this lady walking by and says to her….Come here lady I want to talk to you! Her shy (very shy) mother wanted to melt into the floor. Little did I know that the older she got the less shy and embarrassed I would become. She never did crawl, would make her mad to put her on her all fours. She walked at 18 months too.

Kindergarten brought its own set of circumstances. Kristen’s class didn’t pass learning to make 5’s. Her teacher explained that they would all have to do it again as she passed out the new pages. Kristen takes the piece of paper turns it to the back and begins drawing a picture. Ms. Trees comes by and explains that she has to do the 5’s like everyone else and goes to help the other children. She comes back by and Kristen has drawn a picture on the front side of the paper. Ms. Trees goes and gets a clean paper and places it in front of Kristen and explains to her again that even though she passed the first time that the whole class was going to do this lesson again. And she walks away, Kristen flips the page and begins to draw again. Teachers with cell phones were always a fun part of the work day. “What do I do??? She won’t do what I told her!! She uses great logic and I hate to get her into trouble when she makes perfect sense!” Get her to show another student that is having trouble how to make fives. “Oh, that might work!”

There would be several times over the years that a teacher would not be able to argue with Kristen’s logic, and always came the cell call.

I learned early in Kristen’s life that her nose would rather be in a book than in a sport. She didn’t ride a bike forever, Mrs. Moore told me that if I didn’t teach her how to ride a bike that it would effect her as an adult. I looked at Kristen on the way home from that field trip and asked, “why don’t you ride your bike?” She looked at me and ever so calmly said….I need it to go where? I live across the street from a convenience store and a liquor store and I live on a major highway. I have flats all the time from riding in the stickers around the house and it is quicker to walk. Touche’ I didn’t push the issue. By the way Mrs. Moore…she knows how just chooses not to.

She decided in Jr. High that she wanted to play Little League. So mom again to the rescue was going to teach her to bad and not be afraid of the ball. I did what all good parents do…I hit her with the ball. She wasn’t scared of it at all she threw that bat and hit me with it. Lesson over.

But she does play the saxophone, reads everything in sight, and loves to cook. Her first meal was breakfast. Mom! I made you breakfast in bed! Kristen, where did you find pancake mix? I didn’t I used the recipe book. She was about four or five. Cooking has always played a big role in mine and Kristen’s relationship. Not all of her experiences were quite as good as the pancakes…the popcorn covered in garlic salt – lets give mom heartburn, tortilla turnovers taught her how to use spices- lets burn all the skin off mom’s tongue with the massive amount of ginger that peach jelly in the middle of a hot tortilla has in it, and I guess one of my favorites was when she wanted to learn to make an omelet. I ate the scrambled eggs with stuff in it as i showed her that you didn’t stir an omelet.

But we also have had some really funny other times cooking too. Christmas and Thanksgiving are always fun, there will be a coolwhip fight at some point during both. It is such a tradition at this point that we buy canned whipped cream just for it. We made tootsie rolls once…no one could eat them especially after Kristen remarked that they looked just like cat turds. We never tried that again. But we have both grown as cooks and as people pushing each other and teaching each other.

Learning to drive, learning to sew, and many other things that she is very good at were always fun and frustrating. I wouldn’t take for any of those wonderful memories. Trust me, my poor pick up has many scars from Kristen learning to drive. She has grown into a very independent, very intelligent, and very funny woman. She isn’t afraid of change and she isn’t afraid of speaking her mind. She is kind and patient and when she smiles it makes everything just fine.

How we ever got through the trials and tribulations of both of us getting grown I will never know. But thank goodness we did. For she is such a blessing in my life and I am a very proud Mom.

fall brings change……

Why does fall bring with it so much change?  Not just the changes in nature but the changes in people’s lives?  There is so much going on in my world right now that I feel as if I am living more than one life at a time.  I am a mother first and foremost in this life, and as we start the week I am again packing Kristen to move.  She and Trey are moving to Austin on Wednesday.  She has changed her career goals in life and is starting down a new path.  I raised an incredibly independent woman that I know will succeed in anything that she chooses to do.  She is so level headed and determined.  I pray that they are blessed in this life with everything they strive for.  I am going to miss her dearly.

I have begun to get my business back up and running.  I have been working towards that goal for awhile now.  Figuring out the best way to accomplish this and still do everything else I do in life.  I have decided to run it from the house and do more online stuff.  I have decided that I want to change the name to encompass more of a variety of things I can do with it.  So instead of opening more than one business I can use just the one.  I am back to doing embroidery, I do not want to do any in studio photos but instead choose to do landscapes and maybe a few weddings and graduations but none in studio.  There are a few other aspects that I am considering for the business but those are still hush hush for I have yet to make them fit.  Baby steps, one thing at a time.  But it will all work out and it will all do just what it is supposed to.

I don’t know that I am a very good friend at the moment.  I am fighting so hard not to just walk away.  To close down and just shut out the world.  I know that it is a instinct reaction to all that is going on.  I am dazed and extremely confused.  I don’t tend to pass blame to others but instead to question at what point in life did I put such hurt and anguish out into the world.  I am trying very hard to understand that.  I am trying to look at myself and reevaluate myself.  I do not seek to be fixed I like me, I like who I am evolving into.  I like the woman that life has created and I refuse to be put back into a shell.  I am extremely blessed and I know it.  I try very hard to put into act the thoughts that make life a better place.  To touch each soul lightly, to not judge, and to love without any expectations.  I give a little piece of my heart to those I love knowing that it may or may not be returned.

I have watched my Facebook wall, the news, and listen to people in real life and right now it is really making me wonder about people.  I sat listening to my two cousin’s yesterday, Brian still believing in the institution of religion and way into the politics of our county and Brenda who has of late lost belief in the institution of religion and has no interest in politics both debating the issue of life.  As I sat quietly listening, I realized that both of them were saying the exact same thing but in very different ways.  I began laughing, both are firm believers in God and both were saying that in God all things were possible.  When I tried to explain in a very simple way both individuals wanted to then argue with me.  I told them I wasn’t going to argue.  That in trying to make the other believe the way each of the other did all they were really putting into the energy of life was hate and anger.  All that got in return was blank stares……  we all have our own thoughts our own beliefs but how you put those out into the world make all the difference as to how well they are accepted.

But as I am standing in the middle of all of this it is like there are three separate individuals dealing with each part of my life.  I just hope that they all come back together in the end.  I release the pain, the hurt, the fears, the worries, and all the love in my heart.  I take in only hope, love, and friendship in return.  I cannot walk away from living, it just is not going to happen.  Life has way too much to offer right now.

I put all this into play during the last semester of school, I knew what I wanted and just had to figure out how to get there.  Life is awesome even in times of confusion.  It brings realizations  and knowledge, it brings reinforcement of things already learned and it brings more love and friendships into my heart.

the inner light….

As I stood in the kitchen this morning in my bare feet, my night clothes still on and watched the sun streaming through the kitchen window, I thought about how life is like that for so many.  How sometimes we are encased in our own hearts our own minds and forget to step outside of ourselves.  Fear is such a powerful emotion.  So I slipped on my flip flops and slipped out the front door, standing in the rising sun letting it warm my heart, my soul and my body.  I remember being that woman locked inside myself, and what a wonderful feeling it is to step out into the light.  To share it’s warmth and let it radiate from inside your soul.  It was lonely inside, lonely to the point that I could be sitting in a classroom of 500 other students and feel totally alone.  Step into the sunshine today, embrace all the warmth and love life has to offer, embrace the beauty and blessings that fill your life.  Touch another human by passing a smile to them.  It will make all the difference in the world.

my feelings true……

A thousand pieces is my heart

a pain that is even physical.

Sleep seems to be my out

my escape from the inevitable.

I miss your voice

your laugh

your smile.

I miss long talks

and telling you all.

My friends are quite supportive

they talk to me alot.

But it just doesn’t replace

you in my every thought.

I don’t put it on facebook

for all the world to see

I keep it like everything else

quite close to me.

Subtle in my reactions

for I am still quite confused.

What on earth did I do to cause this reaction in you??

Someday I hope that you can actually tell me what I did,

tell me what caused this violent end to something that should have been so beautiful.

Over it…not by a long shot but I carry my pain inside those that really know me know that I am hurting desperately and are trying with all their love and know how to take away the pain.  The only thing that can do that is time, friendships, and understanding.

As always though, I will live to fight another day.