Sunday morning coming down…….

I struck out on Sunday morning, my heart so very heavy.  I cleared the city limit sign of Bangs America with the windows down on the pick-up and the radio turned up.  I stopped at the rail crossing as the train blazed through Bangs at 70 miles per hour and took pictures of her massive powerful engine.  As I sat there, I began my talk with God.  God, I am not doing so good today will you please take the hurt that I am feeling and show me how to make it better?  God will you show me that I am loved?  Over the tracks and through down town, by the way down town is one block long, and out into the countryside.  The land is parched and I have searched all summer for beauty in it.  The trees have long since looked like fall even during the dry summer months.  I have struggled with my life and how it is progressing for some time now.  As much as I wanted to return to school, nothing I did seemed to make that the right choice.  Not that I am giving up that dream, just postponing it a little longer.  What is postponing a semester considering that I have been working on it since I was 22 years old.  What I had not banked on was just how much I had relied upon those days at school as an outlet for being stuck at the house or how badly I had really missed them all summer.  Like always, I have put the weight of the world around me on my own shoulders, sometimes being that only child does that.  Feeling like it is solely my responsibility to keep everything and everyone afloat.  That the finances, the chores, and taking care of everyone is mine.  Juggling a way to make a living and staying at the house to take care of everyone, I sometime forget to seek help.  Even if it is just talking to someone.   For there is really no one else to pass the buck too.  As the music began to fill my heart and my soul, and I began to relax, I also began to cry.  Ever try to get the camera in focus when tears fog your own vision?  Pain in the butt.  As I cried and gave my grief and heartache to God I felt some better, but the love thing was still weighing on my heart.  I had made plans to go to Ft. Worth that Sunday.  But it seemed that everything was against it.  So my heart was very heavy.  As I traveled I found myself upon a bridge.  A bridge in the middle of absolutely no where!!  So, I parked the pick up right there in the middle of the bridge, stepped out and sat on the side of the concrete barrier of the bridge.  The early morning light was warm on my face, the birds around the water were actually singing, the crickets had not yet turned in for the day and the local barnyard animals all added their songs to the mix.  The fish in the creek were jumping and having breakfast but all of a sudden I was the only human for miles it seemed.  The radio in my truck playing softly, the sound of the pick-up motor and my breathing were the only human sounds around…..until my cell phone went off.  As I checked the id and answered the phone in a soft voice, the tears began to fall again.  The voice on the other end was as strained as mine.  I had known for some time that my feelings were deep, that I was never going to be able to walk away from this one.  I had asked God to show me and as I sat with my feet hanging off the bridge and the voice on the other end of the line talking in my ear,  I knew that my prayers had been answered.  I knew that the longing in my heart was love.    That longing of holding someones hand and walk every step in life with them.  That longing of just sharing the day.  That longing of closeness.  That wonderful feeling of belonging even though I was in the middle of no where without another human around I would never be alone again even though my heart felt that it was a million miles away.  It so belongs to another that is 250 miles down the road.  Sometimes I feel as if my dreams are that far away too.  But,  as I climbed off the concrete and returned to the truck, cell phone still pasted to the side of my head, it was like the world began to show me her beauty again.  I also knew that there were things that I had to take care of before I could move on with those dreams.  There were things that I was still learning, things that I had to endure, and a love that was everlasting.  I have to admit I was quite surprised at myself.  I was surprised that I could love again, could let people into my life again.  What an incredible smack to the head it was to realize that I do love whole-heartily and without question.  That I actually want to share my life with someone and that I am actually brave enough to let them in.  Sometimes, those quiet times on the phone are just me processing and choosing what I want to share.  So, was it that the world showed me her beauty or  was it the fact  I could let her beauty back into my heart?  Either way, I am surprised everyday when my heart grows a little bit bigger when the love that I have found grows just a little bit stronger.  I do so love you honey………you make my heart yearn, you fill it everyday with even more love than I ever thought possible,  and you give me inspiration to look to the future and dream again.  You are such an incredible blessing!!!!

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clutter

How strange it is that my heart this morning was looking through the clutter.  How that even though I can see that warm heart so full and so free on the other side that there is still stuff in between.  But like a journey into the rain forest, you pick through the underbrush, on twig here and a branch there.  You cut away what is not needed or wanted in your journey and move forward a little bit at a time.  The if you get really lucky someone comes along that helps you with that.  And even though it makes you want to get to the prize quicker, the working together makes a stronger bond that makes the prize even sweeter.

4

As Wacie Ann climbed into the pick up and hooked up the trailer, she knew that it was going to be another long, hard day.  How she longed for company, someone just to spend the day with.  She backed the trailer up to the stall and got out and began opening gates.  Big Jake was taking a ride to another local ranch for stud.  Jake could have a nasty side but as Wacie began to talk she knew that he was in good spirits today.  “Come on big boy, lets you and I go for a short ride.  Come on in the trailer with you.”  Rope in hand she slowly slapped the side of her leg with it.  Occasionally slapping Jake’s rump to move him along.  As the bull cleared the end of the trailer, Wacie slammed the door closed and latched it.  This might not be a bad day after all.

Dressed in clean jeans, boots and a summer tank, she had pulled her hair back into a ponytail and put on a little eye make up.  Just because she was delivering a bull didn’t mean she had to look like she just stepped off the ranch.  She felt nearly human this morning and it showed.  She finished closing the gate to the holding pen and climbed back into the driver’s seat of the pick up.

As the pick up began to pull on the trailer Wacie knew that the weight had changed.  Big Jake weighed almost 1500 pounds and the motor to the old Ford pick up strained a little under the added weight.  She pulled out onto the highway off the gravel drive and headed toward town.  Bar-J was ten miles the other side of the sleepy little community of Springer, Texas.  She pulled into town and stopped at the bank for some quick business before continuing out the south end of town.  Highway 6 lead all the way through the big state of Texas but through these parts it was lined on each side of the two lane by mesquite trees and cattle land.  At the five mile mark 6 crossed a dirt county road that had not had any markings in years.  The Miller Ranch started at that corner so the road was always called by the locals Miller Road.  The dirt began to kick up behind the trailer as Wacie crept along the caliche road.   In the distance a big cattle guard with a huge wrought iron entrance could be seen.  She slowly crossed the cattle guard and drove up the paved drive.  As she parked the pick up by the barn, as woman stepped out onto the wrap-around front porch.

Jay was standing there in bare feet, jeans and a muscle shirt.  Her fiery red hair cut short like a man’s.  She had a definite presents about her.  

Karma?

‎”People get into a heavy-duty sin and guilt trip, feeling that if things are going wrong, that means that they did something bad and they are being punished. That’s not the idea at all. The idea of karma is that you continually get the teachings that you need to open your heart. To the degree that you didn’t understand in the past how to stop protecting your soft spot, how to stop armoring your heart, you’re given this gift of teachings in the form of your life, to give you everything you need to open further.”

— Pema Chödrön

 

How true this is.  I have worked in the medical community a long time and I still am amazed at the people that will pray to a Father that is supposed to be kind and just and loving and turn around and blame him for what ever illness is causing them to hurt.

I don’t think I truly understood this until I was watching mom battle cancer.  I guess that I have always had a very loving and caring father so I truly understood what kind of father God was.  How could I ever blame him for my struggles?  How could I blame him for Mom getting ill.  After about a year, I realized that it was me that was learning from her death.  That it was me that had life lessons to figure out by her being gone.  Lessons that I could not have learned if she was still here.  That passionate Father did not let her suffer unmercifully, he did not let any of us suffer more than we should have.    Like growing up, there were things that Daddy let me learn on my own, through trial and error.  God does the same thing.  And having worked in the medical community it is usually not the patient that is hurting, for they get to travel inside their own mind to places of peace and great beauty.  I don’t know how many times I had to put mother back to bed because she was squatting in the floor…I asked her what she was doing.  I am planting spring flowers in our flower bed so that you will have a pretty spring garden….sounds like peace to me…..

Understanding…

‎”Run your fingers through my soul. For once, just once, feel exactly what I feel, believe what I believe, perceive as I perceive, look, experience, examine, and for once; just once, understand.” ~ Unknown

 

Just see what is in my heart.  The good, the bad, and sometimes the just being.  Understand those things that words cannot define.  Understand those things that I have buried deep and don’t even know that they make any difference at all.  Understand what makes me happy, what makes me love the way that I do.  Understand how I can walk away and never look back.

I would love to share the love that I try to share with the world.  I could only imagine how the world could feel if they could look into my soul for a day.  How to take the most hurtful, most hateful, most trying and turn them all around into a good.  To understand that the whole key is laughter and lots of love.

If my parents didn’t impart upon me anything else what they did impart was the innate ability to overcome and endure through an unconditional use of love.

Understand how in order to love everyone else, you accept all that is you.  Your strengths and your weaknesses.  You look in the mirror and no matter what your body looks like you are beautiful.  That what ever your soul looks like it is beautiful.  If you don’t like something about you…. only you can change it.  But it is the uniqueness of you that makes you perfect.

existence vs loved

I cannot believe that the very purpose of life is to be HAPPY. I think the purpose of life is to be useful, to be responsible, to be compassionate.
It is above all, to matter and to count, to stand for something, to have made some difference that you lived at all.
~Leo Rosten

I really think that there is more to life than this, for so long I have lived in a state of existence.  Of being the responsible one, being the compassionate one, of doing what I was supposed to.  The one thing missing from that was love.  In the past few years I have learned that the more love I give out the more I get in return.  That I don’t have to be that lonely person even when I am surrounded by a crowd.  I can be all alone and be perfectly happy.  I have learned to let people into my life and more importantly into my heart.  The first person that I had to let in was me.  I, for the first time in a lifetime love me.  I love spending time with me.  Once I got past that and beyond what things had put me into that state, I learned to let others in too.  To trust and know that God put them there for a reason.  I may not always understand why some people are in my life but I always understand that it may not be them in my life it may be that I am needed in theirs.  I have learned to be happy and to still be that responsible woman that I am.  I have learned to say no and to let people know that I am feeling, that I am living, and that I do exist.  How sad it would be though to just exist again……..

Paths…..

Every life has a journey, a path laid before us that we color to be our own.  The new born baby, taken by God way too soon, or the 102 year old man sitting there on the porch of his home, each has a journey, a reason, a path.  Hearts to touch and lives to change, our path is dotted with people that have blessed our lives.  A path straight and true with no color, no past is a life not lived.  A life lived has a winding path with trees and flowers, homes and resting spots.  The flowers that color our path are those people and things that come into our lives for only a season.  They bring character and growth.  Touching our path with a splash of color but not lasting but a season.  There are trees on the path that nurture and grow, they provide shade and protection, stability and love.  These are the people that cross our paths and choose to stay a life time.  There are a few dead treas littered along the way, people that for some reason were there for a life time but have moved on.  There are homes that dot my path, homes that have been filled with love and friendship.  That have embraced my very soul.  Homes that were warm and tender keeping me safe and happy.  There are places that I have stopped but only to rest.  Homes that I have live for a short time or that were places that were full of  turbulence in life these are the rest stops along my path.  Sometimes it is a lonely road that wanders along in life but at other times there is much traffic buzzing around like a major highway.  My path is unique to only me like yours is to you.  God blesses it like the sunshine warms this country road.  We are alot like the road I was standing on this morning.  Winding through life, following the hill and dale of life.  We are not perfect, neither is the road.  There are pot holes, patches, and cracks along the way much like our own paths in life.  We all have patches on our hearts, a few little holes that signify love we have given and it wasn’t returned, a cracked sense of humor that gives us character.  We get hot and melty with the heat of life, we get cold and slippery when things are not right.  But there is no end to where we can go and the weight loads we bare.  Life just keeps going touching everything we pass and giving support to all that travel along with us.