One of my favorite childhood memories was Albuquerque. We spent a lot of time there. I loved the fall of the year the most though. Up early the first week of October, snow on the peaks, the smell of chili’s, the cool early morning air. Breadfast at the waffle house, with fresh fruit syrups. The smell of apples and pine burning. Then driving out past the city just about dawn the sun peeking over the mountains, the crispness of the fall air nipping at your nose and the the sight of what looked like a million hot air balloons rising towards the sky!!! The colors, the excitement, the love I have for that particular city…… Then off to old town or the flea market for a day of fun and shopping. Sitting in front of the old mission thinking how old it really is and thinking about the people that settled that area. My heart truly shines there. 🙂
There is a person in my life that sucks the very soul from me. As a general rule, I have learned over the years to block well. I have learned to reclaim my soul, to not allow them to make me feel so small. Yesterday didn’t happen to be one of those days. I had talked to my aunt and found out some things I didn’t know that kind of shook my foundation. That made me question even more some of the things and people in my life. Being raw and open, I was not ready for the assault that would ensue. Locked in the pick up raw and hurting, unable to share what I was feeling and being bombarded with anger, selfishness, and someone elses pain drained every ounce of energy that I possessed. Then came the phone call that I had gone over on my text messages quite badly, but to the amazement of everyone, they changed my plan and wiped out the over charges. But even that fueled this persons anger and heightened the anxiety in my heart.
I came home and called my daughter. Oh dear. She too was having a rough day and needed to vent. My heart was breaking for her and my son in law and the things they are having to work through. I just wanted to get to both of them and hold them tight and make it all better like I would have when she was little.
Still not understanding how someone would not know how to protect or at least comfort a child. How you can let a child go through something horrible and not even let them know that you know what has happened. Mom, you could protect and comfort every other person in the world, why not me? Was I that unapproachable? Or was I unworthy? Was I just not protectable? My aunt explained it that they were not taught how to protect us kids because Grandma died before she got to that lesson. But in retro, I understand why mom had this deep seated fear that I was always mad at her. Mom, I was never mad at you, in fact I had buried the memory deep in my heart and never looked back. The one thing that Lamoin said yesterday that I had not thought about was that I searched for someone to protect me and that need was not met. Well no kidding!! LOL I decided years ago that I was not a protectable person. That if anyone was going to protect me that it had to be me. After processing the new information, I sat on the porch last night and I gave it to God again. He takes care of that stuff for me. And when I did, I realized that Mom wasn’t here to ask, and it was so long ago that what was the point. Let it lie in the past were it belongs. The actions of everyone involved add to the strength that I have. Has added to the character and passions that fire my soul and make my heart so gentle. So all is good. I have forgiven me (mostly) and everyone else.
What if it is everything we hoped for? I quit searching a long time ago. Quit thinking that life could have meaning again. Quit thinking that love was anything but headaches and heartaches. I quit thinking that human touch could stir anything but hate inside of my heart. I resolved that the world was a better place because I exist but that existing was all I was here for. I didn’t quit longing for love. So, I learned to love me and to love my friends with quite a strong passion. I was already a loving, caring person with a love in my heart for people so strong it often ached. I did the things I was supposed to, I took care of those I should, sometimes even those that I should have known to walk away from. I was quite fulfilled with the love I had. I shared it with everyone I met and made them smile and feel loved too.
The one night I got a text. It was a picture of a friend. My comment on that picture the following day opened a whole new line of conversation. One that nearly a month later has never ceased. A conversation of love and of heart felt passion, of friendship and of kindred souls. A conversation that has taken us to deep in the night and to early morning light. A conversation that has touched both of our hearts. It has touched my very soul, my very being. Taking one day at a time and doing it right this time.
Spending time together, enjoying each others company, and just loving each other has taken my heart to a whole new level of love. It has taken down walls that I never dreamed anyone could. It has made me appreciate life again. It has made me want to better myself for her. She can say my name and all seems right with the world.
What if it is all we have ever dreamed? Well then, our hearts will be untouchable, our souls unstoppable and life an incredible adventure. What if it is all we have ever dreamed of…. I so pray that it is…..
Have you ever noticed the shape of the heart? We all love hearts and the representation of the love we feel in our own hearts. But look again…the point of the heart, does that represent the person that is tugging at our hearts? The dip in the top, where all those people that weigh heavy on our hearts rest. But a heart, much like the circle, is never ending. Have you ever sat and drawn a heart over and over and over in the same spot? The more you trace it the fuller the heart gets? That is how my life is right now. The more love I put out there the more I get back, the more blessings are bestowed upon me!! I am so incredibly blessed!!!!!! I don’t know what I did to deserve this kind of love but I would do it again everyday the rest of my life!!!
What an incredible time in life!! There was once a time in my life that all seemed right with the universe. Then a few wrong turns and a few really bad happenstances and it seemed that nothing was ever the same. It was as if I had to fight everything and everyone. The smile I gave was as fake as those plastic flowers in the cemetery. I shut down from all true feelings and resolved that life just bit. I started down a new path after mother died. A path that searched where I had gone, what had caused me to not feel anything. As I searched, I released and I grew. I have learned so much in the last 4 years!! I have learned that life does come full circle, that you go back and “fix” those things that have caused hurt, to you and to others. The more hatred and anger you release the more room there is for love. That the light inside me is as worthy of love and a chance to grow as anyone else in the world. That I am loved by so many and I return their love daily. I still seek and learn, I still have fences to mend but today the smile on my face is as genuine as life itself. I have come back to a gentle, loving soul free of anger. I embrace that person that had gotten lost and love her with a ferocity that matches that long ago anger. How blessed I am to have found people that graced my life and showed me that it was okay to come out of that shell, that those people love me and don’t want to leave. Wow! Such a peaceful easy feeling!!
For awhile now I have tested the waters, I have generally tried to change my life. I have ventured down a few highways and caught a few rides. But through it all I have made up my mind that then energy that I give off was going to be nothing but happy. There have been a few days that I just wanted to crawl back into bed and cover my head. Those are days that I have made sure to go out into public and smile at everyone I meet. I saw it in a movie once, that idea of human contact. To make others laugh, to smile, to connect by nothing more than a kind hello and a smile. I have become genuinely that person, I have come to a point in life that all I want is good and love in my life. There are times when things don’t go right yet but even through those times I am sustained by the knowledge that I am loved without doubt and cared about to no end. I have walked away from old friendships and habits and put in return a kind loving person, as a rule attracts like minded people. And as I ventured out to seek the good in life I have been touched by incredible people. I have been so blessed to find a heart that is as good as gold and keeps me smiling every minute of every day!! I have found that my motto in life…..Know that everyday in someway you touch someones heart, so touch lightly for you know not the impact. A handshake, a hug, a kind word, a smile maybe all it takes to make or break a person. Choose your actions wisely. Wow it so works!! My heart is so full that I am sure that at any moment the love there will make it explode. But all the negative that comes my way seems deflected and only the love shines. I am so very very blessed in life that the good outweighs the bad. Love, Light, and Blessings always!!!