searching……

Can you hire a mentor?  Someone to guide and direct you?  To help you understand?  I think I am headed into the new year with more questions than I had when this year began.  This month has brought more questions than it has answers.

There are things I question but for the first time in my life I have no one to turn to for answers.  They aren’t questions that I can find in a book or find on the web and my go to peeps can’t answer them either.  How do I go about finding new go to people that I trust?

I have always been curious about the world a curiosity that is never quenched.  All I have to do to be reminded of that is to look at my photography, I find something new to shoot every single day.  And on days that I can’t go shoot I surely long to.

So I start the new year in search of….

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water meters…lmao!

So far this holiday I have read the books that Kristen and Trey gave me for Christmas and reread 2 Harry Potter books.  Time for a library run I am thinking.  Oh  wait the library here bites!!  Reminds you of the library in Slaton when it used to be on the square.  Difference being that was a local library this is the county library.    The youngest copyright dates I have found so far besides the periodicals was 1975.  It is funny they gripe because there is never any young people in there…….geez folks I wonder why??  I think that from now on everytime I order a book off amazon that I am going to order 2, one for me and one to donate to the library.  That is going to be my good deed for the next year.  Maybe pick up some extras at goodwill.

So, do the end of the year house scrub, and work on that new closet.  That ought to keep me busy for a few.  Now to decide which bedroom to renovate into a closet…

Wood…check; pipe…check; tools….well duh?; paint…without a doubt; doors…got em; so about the only thing I need is a couple of sheets of rock.  Yeah I think this is a good idea!!  Facebook gonna have to go on hold for a few days, I think it will live.  It lives on regardless.

Okay funny for the day….three men show up on the door step.  All City of Bangs employees…this is never a good sign.  And no, I am nice to the city employees down here.  They are building apartments next door, our water meter is about 1/2 mile down the road.  They have decided since they are having to put meters in for the apartments that our meter should be in front of the house.  That is a good thing since then I won’t be responsible for that much line to the meter.  Problem….nobody knows where the water line comes into the property.  This is gonna be fun…..told me if the water goes off that it might be several hours before they can get it back on.  The last time they did something like this they dug up a mammoth.  How lucky can I get??  Never a dull moment in my life….  keeps me laughing though.  I told him that I had witched for it and the best I can tell it comes in on the north side of the house.  Witching down here is pretty easy for there is not really any ground water so when you do find it the witching rods get all excited!

Well, time for some physical labor put my sleep schedule back on track and get up off my lazy bum and do something constructive.

rambling….

As I wonder down the road, the mist and the chill engulf me.  The morning sun unseen through the fog and the haze.  The morning weather mirrors my thoughts.  When I am trapped in the house it is usually not so bad, but this stretch has been a drag.  I have had a cold and have not had a voice since before the semester ended.  Usually, I have things I can do out doors, go take pics, or immerse myself in some task.  With the holidays over I am just ready to get back to school.  Keep my mind busy so that I don’t have to think.

My thoughts this morning roam back to Dad.  My heart broke for him to be missing mom so bad.  I have tried to spend as much time with him as possible and not give him the cold I am nursing.

It seems many things this holiday have broken my heart, made it hurt physically.  As I walked down the wet road this morning I let my mind wonder as to what and why it was.  I find that as a general rule, I hurt for others far more than I hurt for myself.  I am more apt to cry for someone else’s pain rather than my own.  Defense mechanism?

Yes, I was crying the other night.  I was crying because of a lot of things.  I hurt so bad for Dad.  I know what it is like to miss someone so bad that you hurt.  I know what it is like to long for their love.  To be held in their arms and know that everything is right with the world.  He is such a wonderful man and I don’t know why he has to suffer so much.  I am so blessed that he is in my life and I still learn so much from him everyday.  I hope that when I get to that point in my life I can do it with such grace and dignity. I have often wondered where I get looking at life with optimism.  God has certainly showed me that.

Do I let my heart hurt for myself, well of course.  But something that Dad did teach me long ago kicks in…you don’t wallow in pity, you put it in the past, and you look to the future.  “Oh well, it wasn’t meant to be” does not mean that it hurts any less but it does keep you moving forward.  That is something he taught me when I miscarried my second child.  I couldn’t change the loss, nor the hurt, nor could I let the self pity ruin my life.  I had Kristen to think of.  There is always someone else to think about in every decision that you make in life.  So, yeah part of my crying the other night was for me….I put my heart out there and got it hurt.  Just means that I pick up the pieces, put them in my pocket, and search for something to glue them all back together.  That is why I keep the most wonderful people in my life, to help put it all back together.  They might no always know all the details, or that I am even hurting, but they always know just what to say and just how to hold that mirror in front of me so that I see who I really am.

So, I am ready for the new year, new adventures, new loves (maybe), and above all…new laughter!  

my heart

I found a song today that said everything I would love to say.

To give to you a love unconditional.

A hand that is always open to help you up,

Two arms to hold you when the day is done,

A heart to share both good and bad,

And a sense of humor for when you are sad.

I wish for you a warm sun to kiss you lightly

a soft rain to green the grass under your feet.

I wish for you a million stars and a bright moon to light the night sky

and a shooting star to grant your wishes and to catch your eye.

I give you a river to wash away the tears

to dangle your feet in and find that child within.

I give you a bridge in the summer sun

just for a memory never to be undone.

A path to tempt you, a hill to climb.

Birds to sing to you and give you a rhyme.

But all in all I give you time

time to laugh

time to love

time to heal

time to hug.

 

a books life

Today I journeyed to the mailbox to find a package, the book I ordered before Christmas from Amazon arrived!!!  It is a book that I have read many times.  I had ordered it this time not to replace one that I loaned out but so that Dad and I would both have one.

As I opened the package and pulled out this copy of the book, I began to laugh…and laugh….and laugh.  For though I only gave 5.oo for this copy it already has a story.

Long ago, with a shiny cover and eagar eyes to devour its pages this book was bought in a small vitamin store in Albuquerque, NM.  The couple that had bought it had taken their pre-teen daughter to a naturalist named Dr. Downs to find out what was making her sick.

After blood work and a hair analysis, they were told that she had a thyroid disorder and a liver problem all of which could be taken care of with vitamins, herbs and a big change in diet.  That she was one in a million that would need to give blood regularly because her body stored iron and would always be high in iron.  As the couple stood in the vitamin store buying the necessary things, Dr. Downs showed them this book and told them that it would be of great use.

After Mother died I was diagnosed with stress induced diabetes.  I returned to the book.  With a few changes in my diet, walking everyday, and the vitamins it said to take, my blood sugar has returned to normal.  I take no medications for it and yes I still check it regularly.

The little white book with blue letters was a God send.  I remember helping mother cook Christmas dinner, the book was on the cabinet and I spilled something on it.  I don’t remember what I spilled but I remember being in trouble for not putting the book away and getting it dirty.

Dad had loaned the book out, and had to replace it.  We have replaced this book so many times in my life.  Never did I dream that the original one would show up in my mail box today.

Guess it is true….what goes around comes around!!! lmao!

The darkness just before dawn

A new year dawns before us like the sun dawning the day and like each new day we are given the chance of a clean slate.  What colors we use to paint the day are solely up to ourselves.

As I stand in the darkness, just before dawn I wonder back through the colors that I have painted each day of the last year, deciding what I want to change and what colors I want to add to the new Year.  I see magnificent colors of the people in my life.  Funny how I can label my friends and family in hues.  But in reality each person has a color of their very own, coloring every day with a brilliance that is beyond words.  The goals and passions in my life have colors too, my schooling a bright sunlight gold, my relationship status an ice blue color, my dreams add of course a brilliant orange of varying shades for each, my heart will always be the color of my eyes and my soul….that one is all my own.  All these colors paint the picture of the last year, bright, beautiful and full of blessings.

In the next week I know that even though I have much to do before next semester that I will decide which colors will continue to bless the picture of my heart.  I know that in this new year that graduation looms ever closer, that excites me greatly.  I know that there are people that will always bless this picture but that there are others that will move on and be replaced with new .  Fact of life, you bless those that were only in your life for a time and welcome those that are new.

I count my blessings of the past year.  I look around at all that I have accomplished, all that I have put into motion, and all that I have learned.  It has been quite a year when you look back on it like that.  I have a semester behind me, I have made new friends, I have been blessed with old friends, and my family as a general rule still loves and supports me.  I have friends that stand beside me, hold me close when I need it, tell me when I am messing up royally, and they still love me too.

So the picture of this last year is quite a colorful, brilliant, bright and exploding hodge podge of blessings and love.

My hopes for this year that is dawning?  Hmmmmm……to reach graduation.  That one is a must!  To remember to take everyday, with love and hope for each one is a baby step toward the future.  To remember to live life not just let it happen and to love with all of my heart.  To touch as many lives in a good and positive way as I can.  I will continue to write it all down and capture it with my camera in hopes of sharing it all someday.

As I stand before the dawning, smiling at what this year has created, I am ready for that sunrise.

Christmas Eve 2010

Another Christmas that I am so blessed!!  I filled Daddy’s portable oxygen bottle for the first time tonight.  We ALL gathered in the den, we ate, remembered Christmas’ past and spent time together.

The kids put on Kristen’s new CD that her wonderful hubby gave her and they are playing a game.  Her father watching and I can hear all of them laughing and actually talking.  Dad was ready for a nap, I got him into bed and sat there and spent our “special time” together.  It has probably been two years since he has been to the den.  He was proud to see the paintings that my mother did, I could tell he really misses her tonight.  He misses her everyday but tonight I can visibly see it in him.

As hard as it is to watch him weaken everyday, I am blessed with the most special memories.  I have his love, his respect, his friendship and we always make new memories.  Good, bad, or indifferent always new memories.

Makes my resolve for the next year that much more intense. I will succeed, not just for me but because I will not let that man down.

You rest in gentle slumber now Dad, I know that you are dreaming of Christmas’ past and laughing and talking with Mom.  Tomorrow I will spoil you with a big Christmas dinner and pies and cakes but in each and every one I will have put in a little bit of my heart just for you.  Dad you are the most awesome person I know.  You took that little bitty baby girl and loved and cherished her for so many years now it is my turn to return that love.  Merry Christmas Daddy you are a true angel here on earth and I thank God for every minute of every day that I get to spend with you.

I am also blessed with others that love me too, many I have talk to off and on all day.  My heart swells with so much love tonight that it is tight in my chest.  I pray that those that show me so much love know that I return it unconditionally.

I hope this Christmas brings to you the knowledge of true love, true friendship, abundance, and a peace that will last and touch your soul.  For God has shown me in so many ways tonight what each of these things means.  The love Kristen and Trey share sitting there playing scrabble even though he knows that she will win, the love that my father as always felt for my mom and still does to this day, the love from my friends and family that I know my cup runs over and I am honored to share my life and loves with you.