Sleep and a new day!

Sleep always makes for a better attitude.  It is strange, I get hit in the knees and some days I just want to fall to the ground like a small child and lay there and cry.  To let that childish anger escape for a bit.  But instead I am more like a bull that you just waved a red rag in front of…I get angry then comes a new plan of attack.  When I went to bed earlier this evening, I was angry with myself.  I was frustrated that I know I can do better but with so much else going on in life focus is the hardest part.

So, I mark it up as a learning experience.  I set my feet in that defensive position….wide base ready to move in either direction….put my head back in the game and get ready to rebound.  Yeah, I learned alot about life playing basketball.   I was always pretty good at defense.  So, after some sleep and a good cup of coffee I start fresh.

I have 4 finals next week, three papers to turn in, 3 chapters to read in journalism, 1 chapter to study for computer, government notes to go over, and a geology study guide to get filled out.  I have two tests on Monday…geology from 1030-1230,  government from 330-530 and Wednesday….computer 8-10,  journalism from 1030-1230.  That 8 am class is going to be the zinger.  I have to leave the house about 530 and dodge Bambi.  But after the 8th this semester will be in the bag.  Sell back my books….some of which I never want to see again! lmao.

So I awoke got on my knees gave to God that which was bothering me and asked him to guide me through to the end of the semester.  As I sat there in meditation, I knew that he had heard my prayers for it all seems to have fallen into place.  Sometimes I really wish he would find a different answer….baby steps.  Take the big picture and cut it into smaller pieces.  One thing at a time.  One test at a time, one problem at a time.  My mother in laws favorite thing to tell me was ” Patience is a virtue.”  Well, since I wasn’t very good at learning from my elders, now I get to learn it the hard way. Mom always said that she knew from the time I was about 2 that I was going to have to learn things my own way….usually the hard way.  But I do generally get there in the end! 🙂

I don’t look at things as set backs, I tend to look at them as learning experiences.  This semester has sure been that.  I have learned that to do something right you have to regroup and refocus.  To put as much of your energy into what matters.  Daddy has always taught me that, he has been a trouper at letting me have the time I need to focus.  I wish everyone in this house was that way.  So, it is time to implement a new strategy to ensure it.  A little side stepping and tweeking and it is all gonna get better.

There are some things that need to be added to my daily life again.  1) back to walking 2) back to photography 3) work study 4) study time away from this house.  I have set my schedule up for next semester to put these things into play and not spend any more time away from the house than I have this semester.  Still on a MWF schedule, but classes at better times.  Walking done in the mornings, maybe do some swimming at the ASU pool too.  Adding digital photography to my schedule so will have to be doing pic taking.  Picking up work study   in between classes and study time then too.

I knew with the morning would come a better day.  It always does.  You just have to think it through and know that any and all plans are subject to some those Confucius moments.  You know….anything that can go wrong…will!   But instead of dwelling on the bad, look up and get up and plow ahead.  Keep good friends in your world and a good book on your bedside.


ugh what a monday!  lab final was so so!  i hate that!!!  i have always been good in school and it drives me nuts not to be excelling like i know i can!!!  it is one of those things that i would take over just to prove to myself that i can do better than that!  tomorrow i type up three papers, download my geology final study guide and fill it out, work on computer labs, and read three chapters in journalism.

i hate when i doubt myself.  i hate when i let that little monster in!!  this isn’t just about me.  my education isn’t just for me.  yeah, i want to prove to myself that i can do it and i can finish it but there is so much more to me finishing my degree than that!

what a crappy monday!!  time to build a fire, sit down with my journalism book and let the cares of the day vanish.  what will be will be and that is all i can do.  i am not perfect, never claimed to be.  i just want so much to succeed at this.  to be something. to do something.  to make a difference in some small way.

tomorrow will be better and i know it.  it will dawn a new day that will lift my heart and make me smile.  i just wish i could pick up the phone make a call and know that everything is gonna be okay.  boy somedays i am a big chicken. lmao!!

Nearing the end!

Dead week!!  Boy am I glad to see it!!  Lab final tomorrow, the finals on the 6th and the 8th.  I never have had a semester that I have wanted to see the end of more than this one!!  I honestly think that this one has been the hardest semester that I have ever taken.  Getting back into actually studying, with that throwing in two men that are needy, the house, the yard, working on the car, taking care of bills and other paper work, juggling buying groceries and finding time in all that to actually sleep….I think I am going to sleep through Christmas!!  It has been a trial and error that I wish not to repeat but would do again in a heartbeat to get myself a little further along!

I have 8 English classes sitting in my electives pile, 3 of which are all of my sophomore English classes and all of my Junior classes.  I am taking two, the only two I can take, English classes this next semester.  Then ALL the rest of my English will land where it is supposed to be. HOOT!!  I am taking two Mass Media classes that will bring my hour count in my minor up to 13 hours of the 18 I need.  So, after this next semester I will lack 2 journalism classes, 2 Sr. level english classes, and 3 spanish classes.  So, graduation this time next year!! Yahoo!!

Looks like this is going to be one of the shortest and one of the longest years around!! With some revamping around here and some reorganizing on studying it is all good!!  I am not going to say this is the easiest thing I have ever done, but I will say this…it is worth every ounce of blood sweat and tears.  You worry about the grades, you worry about the class but when it is all said and done and under your belt there is a sense of pride that is so awesome!!

I could not have done this without the love and support of my family, my friends, and my kiddos!!  Daddy has been a trouper!! Bless his heart he has put up with late dinners, some of which were substandard.  He has put up with a messy house, a grumpy daughter and smiled and laughed through most all of it.  Kristen and Trey have grown so much this semester and are beginning to find their own paths in life.  But they have also begun to understand that a family works together and takes it on the chin together.  My friends have been awesome, they have put up with periods of self doubt, of my late nights and some very long talks!!  I have seen on more than one occasion that tilted head, raised eye-brow “what are you thinking” look!!  I still get it over my plans for this next semester, guys please just hang with me and keep me focused!! 🙂  A wonderful support team makes it possible but in the end it is all me.  I have to do the work.  But a smile and a hug always reminds me that the work is quite worth it!!  And all of the above kept reminding me to put the stress and troubles where they belong….somedays that was like a little kid getting rid of an arm load of clothes hot out of the dryer!!

All in all this has been quite the learning semester.  A semester of self growth, of learning who and why I am, and of getting through it best we can.  It has all been good!  

Dad and my Friends!:)

I love to watch Daddy with my friends!!!   This Thanksgiving I am very thankful for my Daddy!!  I know where I got my accepting and loving attitude towards people.  Lillie comes, he and her are going to watch an episode of, ‘The Big Joe Polka Show’, Heath comes and it is old country music, Carrie says she is coming and he is going to be shaven and shorn, Laquita hits the door and there is going to be coffee flowing, and he and Steve are going to get lost in some kind of technical jargon, Mark comes and Daddy is going to talk to him for a bit and excuse himself to leave Mark and I to have a deep conversation.  But he has something special to do with each and everyone of my friends.  He appreciates and loves each and every one of them!  He never judges any of them and tries to encourage all of their good qualities.

He is totally awesome!!  Love you Daddy!!!



Traditions and a warm kitchen.

I think there are few people that appreciate the poetry of Robert Service, my Granddaddy used to recite such poems as “The Face on the Barroom Floor” from heart.  My Dad has a record by Hank Snow that is nothing but him reciting poetry of Robert Service.  A record that my mother deemed gloomy to say the least and delighted in hiding from Dad and I.  So I finally hid it myself in with the Christmas albums.  Daddy and I would go get the 100 or so Christmas albums to add to the season and very much delighted in harassing my Mother with the idea that this was a Christmas record too!!

The other record that Mom would hide was a Christmas record.  It had songs on it like “18 cents to spend for Christmas,  Hole in the toe, I’m getting nothing for Christmas, and several other childhood favorites.

Memories are a great thing sometimes.  When you are standing in the kitchen all alone on Thanksgiving morning with the awesome smells of dinner, a good cup of coffee and the silence that the early morning hours brings it is those great memories that creep into you heart and bring a smile to your face.

Those things that we cook because our grandmothers, mothers, aunts, and mother-in-laws made so good and made a part of our own traditions.  Lime jello salad, dressing with apples in it, yams with marshmellows on top, pink fluff, or just a basic apple pie….they all hold dear memories to your past.  You spend a lifetime trying to forget the past and forge a future but then the holidays come around and you embrace all those memories and traditions with love.

It has been a really neat morning here.  Kristen and I are finishing up cooking.  She made the pecan pie, I have no clue where she came up with that recipe.  I told her that the recipe that I used was in MY cook book and was marked.  Mom had a cook book that looks exactly like mine…..different pie recipe marked.  I looked in the bowl expecting to see the normal butter, sugar, syrup concoction….there in the mixing bowl was this fluffy, creamy, batter looking stuff.  Kris!!  What is that!!!!?????!!!!!!   Laughed and laughed and laughed….as it is baking I have not a clue how this is gonna turn out!

We have listened to all kinds of music, Dad has harassed us about first one thing and another.   His dry sense of humor making us all laugh.  It has been an awesome Thanksgiving!!  Memories in the making!

Dinner isn’t even finished yet to eat and if today ended right now I would think we could mark this one up to a success.  The love and fellowship in the kitchen was as warm as the kitchen.  I love my family as different as we all are as much as we can ofter fuss at each other, as the daily life things often stress us out, we still love and respect each other very much.

Now, the guys are napping, Kris and Trey have gone over to his parents for lunch and it is quiet…..there is a big bowl of lime jello salad just sitting quietly in the fridge waiting…waiting….yeah I am headed that direction! BREAKFAST!!  ❤

miss ya!

It is really early Wednesday morning the week of Thanksgiving.  I am sitting here just writing, letting my heart have a little down time.

I miss you Mom, from the very bottom of my heart.  I do really well most of the time until I hit a snag or a bump in the road then I miss you even more if that is possible.  I get mad at you sometimes for dumping it all in my lap.

Daddy is the best patient that I have ever taken care of, Mom he tries so hard to do for himself and to help me all he can.  He is quite an amazing man my father.  I am so thankful that I have him every minute of everyday.  I have really been blessed in the parent department!!  If you were here, I would definitely tell you forever and always.  I have so many things to share with you lately.  Seems even in my heart and mind I don’t seem to get around to telling you everything.

I have learned to laugh again.  I have learned to find such incredible beauty in the world and in the people that I let into my life.  It has been quite the struggle to go from a person that had given up on ever having dreams and hopes and ambitions to one that will fight you over them. 🙂

I know that you instilled in me a work ethic that is above and beyond most.  Some times I have to listen to those that love me and take a break.  Even if it isn’t anything but writing again.  I have this desire to find your paints and brushes and see where that goes…..maybe someday.  I know that I can never equal you but I can’t explain how that urge engulfs me some days.  I am finally ready to find my own talents, my own special things.

I am so very thankful for the wonderful things that you and dad have taught me.  Have given me genetically, and the ideals and visions that you never squelched.  I know I don’t fit into any mold you had hoped to put me in, but Mom I never really did.  You knew the day that you took the sofa cushions and put below the stair case and let me finally fall off that I wasn’t going to fit a mold of any kind. 🙂  That is what made me special, you always told me that.  Encouraged me to explore and figure it out on my own.  Boy since you have been gone have I figured out so much!!

I wish you were really here not just in my heart for this Thanksgiving.  We miss ya mom!!   Forever and Always and not a day less!!

Beauty plain and simple

most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat,
known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way
out of the depths.These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and
an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness,
…and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” ~Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

I stole this from a friend of mine, she is pretty good at posting things like this.  This one however really touched my heart.  I have heard these words a million times before and even helped teach them.  But somewhere they had been lost in all the mottle of life.  It has been a long time since I took a course on death and dying.  I guess as many times as you take it when you work hospice you forget to apply it sometimes.  There are 5 stages of grief:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.  These stages are ones that every person needs to know for they do not just apply to death.  They apply to other things in life too.  Such as  by work redundancy, enforced relocation, crime and punishment, disability and injury, relationship break-up, financial despair and bankruptcy, etc.

I had another friend that was talking with me on the phone on the way to school the other morning and he said that people that have been hurt, broken, or lived through pain and suffering have a true understanding of how to be compassionate.  I told him that was true in some cases but that some people instead of turning compassionate turned to hate.  For in some cases they never know how to get past the anger stage.

In studying death and dying,  one of the hardest of these phases to get past is the anger.  I think I was twelve the first time my mother handed me the book, ” On Death and Dying.”  That year I lost my granddaddy, my future father in law, and a very dear friend.  All in about a two month period.  I remember being extremely angry and her not knowing what to do about it.  (I honestly think she had a hot line to the child psychology department at Texas Tech).  Always made me wonder just how messed up she really thought I was.  This was also the same year that James Wade told our little town that I was sleeping with his son then three or four months later he told everyone that I was sleeping with his daughter.  Kicker….they were my cousins.  We were all extremely close but none of us old enough or mature enough to be wondering about our sexuality.  Especially with each other.  Needless to say I had some pretty intense anger issues.  Gee I wonder why?  This is when I learned that physical drive could elevate that anger.  I turned to basketball.  I could be aggressive on the court and work out all the anger and frustrations that I had.  At the time, Daddy was in the oil field business and I moved a lot of iron.

Anyway I read the book with some reluctance.  I don’t think much of it stuck at that age.  But as time went on, I would find myself returning to that book over and over through life.  I even helped teach patients families about Death and Dying.  I can’t tell you how many copies of this book I have bought over the years ( I am not giving mine away) or how many times I have sat with young and old alike to help them understand what they were feeling.  One thing that I have always known is that the power of touch helps this process alot.  Even people that are touch me nots have this tendency to want to touch or be touched during this time.  I have seen people that were hard as nails and cold as ice reach over and grab you in a big bear hug that left you wondering where on earth that came from!  People are amazing.  What they can handle and how they do such is so completely intriguing.  Some of it also depends on how much they have seen in life.  I was talking to the morticians one time when I was out for a visit, (yes I know most people don’t just go visit the Englund’s but I do) anyway, Dubbin and I were talking and he said something that just blew me away.  He said that most people have never dealt with a funeral until they bury a parent.  WOW!  How lucky is that!!  I think I have been burying people as long as I can remember.  When I lived in Slaton, Englund’s Funeral home was on speed dial.  So death isn’t something new to me and honestly I don’t look at death like most people.  Sometimes it is a relief.

When I read those words tonight it rushed over me like a tidal wave.  I know those words by heart.  But I had locked them away somewhere for another day.  Which is extremely sad for I have some really close friends that need to hear them and in time I too will need to go back to them.  They have that way about them of always coming back around.

Mother was always extremely good at hospice care, caring immensely  for the patients every need.  Not so much for caring for the families needs.  That was always my job.  In fact, Mom was awesome at caring for the patient right up to the moment just before they left…..then she would say Rebecca hold so in so’s hand and I will be right back.  So there I would stand talking gently, caressing, encouraging, and always loving.  There is nothing like watching someone take that last breathe and slipping into total peacefulness.  You have watched them suffer for weeks or months or sometimes even years so you are torn in the reality of loosing someone you care for and seeing them in total peace.  We lost 14 patients in one year once.  I was really ready not to be in that business anymore.  But your love for people and for caring for people keeps you coming back time and time again.  It keeps you in the here and now and grounds you in the reality of how precious life really is.  How important people are to each other and how distant most people have become from others.  You have one go around, make it count.

People asked me over and over why I didn’t go into the nursing field. Plain and simple, I didn’t want to be a nurse.  I was a nurses aid by choice.  In the chain of caregivers….na, lvn, rn, np, dr.  who do you think gets to spend more time with the patient?  Who do you think is trusted the most, knows them the most, and cares for them the most?  I have worked hospitals, I have worked home health, I have helped run a care facility for the elderly, I have done one on one patient care I never wanted to be a nurse.  Nurse’s get all the responsibilities, the headaches, the paperwork. Nurses aides get to spend time with, get to know, and surely love their patients.  Not saying nurses don’t love their patients…not even by a long shot.

Thank you Karen for posting that tonight,  there are some wonderful people that I need to send that book to.  And yes, I think that things like that are exposed to you for a reason.  I think God knows when it is time for things and he does provide them. For I totally agree…Beautiful people do not just happen…… takes alot to make them!   I know some very Beautiful people…

That is why I try to never miss a sunrise or a sunset, I never miss the opportunity to tell those that are special that I love them, and never, never forget to give someone a hug.  I don’t tell you I love you without it coming from the bottom of my heart.