deep in the night…..

I wish right now that you were awake, it is 1am and I have had a dream.  Not the first one this week but just as much a gem as the last.  I wish you were here to hold me tight even though it is deep in the night.

Wrap me close in your wonderful arms and make the boogie man vanish.  To gently sooth my battered soul with kindest words that I don’t even know.  It doesn’t matter what you would say, if anything.  Just your heart beating gently in the night, your whisper holding me ever so tight.

I wish that you were still awake,  my hand you could slowly take.   To loan me your shoulder and maybe your ear.  To talk out these demons that only I hear.  I would call you on the phone but I respect you more than that, to wake you just so that we could chat.

So here is sit in the middle of the night, alone in my bedroom and far from sight.  My quilt wrapped round me good and tight but it isn’t the same as your wonderful insight .   With things I would tell you, things I would share hoping that you wouldn’t just sit and stare.  That you of all people would understand that I hate the night it is the one thing that I cannot stand.  Night time in my world is lonely, dark and unruly.  Night time is quiet time when even sleep doesn’t quiet my mind.  But instead manifests my fears and hurts as I lay in bed.  I usually control those demons inside, the ones that pray upon my fears.  Something this week deep inside really has them stirred.

But for some reason I know that if I traded my blanket for your arms right now that sleep would come and all would be quiet some how.  To look at me on the outside one would think I was tough as nails.  That the world couldn’t touch me not physically any how.  You would think that I was tough don’t you see, but deep down inside I am really just me.  A woman that is searching in an endless sea for someone to see past all that and find me.  To bring out the person I know I could be.

So here I sit all alone in the dark wishing for you from deep in my heart.  Wishing against all hope in the night that someday alone won’t be such a fight.  Someday when my heart soars and my mind just takes flight.  To leave the confines that see to hold me so tight.  When my arms reach out and find you right there, when my ears hear your breathing and know all is clear.  A night when our heart beats share the night.

It is 1 in the morning and I am sitting alone, wishing just wishing that I could pick up the phone.  To call you and say “a bad dream came my way will you talk for awhile?”  Or tell me a story that ends with a smile.

Higher Education??

I stood outside my computer test today with mixed emotions.  I was proud that I passed…with a “c” but passed.  I was also very disappointed.  One of my peers walked up and asked how I did.  He and I are the “old folks” in the class.  The difference being is that I am just trying to get this class behind me and he is a computer major.  As we walked toward the parking lot we discussed studying.  You know for most of the semester I have honestly wondered when I aquired adult ADD!  Damian has 3 or 4 children and his wife teaches in AISD.  In comparing we figured out that it isn’t us that has the ADD.  I seem to study all the time, but I only get 10 or 15 minutes here and there.  Damian is the same way.  I have made up my mind that next semester my class schedule will include study time.  Study time away from the house and away from the hustle and bustle.
Went to see my new advisor today.  He is awesome!!   I have two English classes and two journalism classes and as gross as I find it….Spanish.  My last 4 semesters of college will include Spanish.  If you have children when they get into high school, make them take spanish.  I have to take two remedial classes then my two regular classes…..can someone please go and clep these for me??? lmao  Actually I am so very excited to be back in the English department that I would do a happy dance!!!   My classes that all got shoved over into electives are back where they belong, and we found one that I had not included!!!!  Instead of 18 hours of journalism after this semester I will only have 11 hours!!  I do get to take my digital photography class and magazine column writing!  I am again a little confused at higher education…..photography is in the journalism department ( now it is Mass Media)  but adobe photoshop is a Business Writing class in the English department??  Really???  And as much as we gripe about them taking P.E. and recess out of public schools….I started out having to have 2 P.E. credits….you don’t have to have those any more either.
It has been a really good day over all!!  School went well, and my tricker treating went well too! 🙂  For some reason that tree is just perfect! lmao!!  It is a good day!  Now to get to studying for the two tests that I have next week!!
I love it when all is right with the w

existence…and more!

I have got to share some pieces of a poem that I read today, it really touched me.  This was written by an ASU student.

Existence

By Laurie Sides

I woke up one morning and realized, I don’t exist.  Such a cold thing.

What’s worse: knowing you don’t exist, or ignorance?

I existed once.  I can see back to those days, like worlds recalled from a fairy tale…..

And I dream, for the first time in years

I look in the mirror at the child’s shadow

understanding

I am not whole, yet

I am not grown, yet

But I exist.  If only a little.

I must fight each day.

Take back

My dreams

My Life

I want to exist.  And after that, to live.

You might ask why the first and the last of this poem touched me so….been there.  I have looked in the mirror about a year ago, saw a woman that I didn’t know.  I saw this person with no where to go, no feelings, no dreams, and no ambition.  This week I have had to really go back and examine that reflection again.  It is time for the next step.  I was at risk of working hard for not and once again falling through the cracks.  I walked over to the English department only to find them gone to lunch, but outside the door was the ASU English Publication.  I picked it up and within 15 minutes I had devoured it.  Cover to cover as I sat out on the patio.  There was some very good talent in the English Department…..but as I walked back to the car with this poem in my head light dawned.  It is time for some changes and it starts here at home.  I took that next step on that bridge that I am on.  For years I have done what is expected of me.  I have been told what was proper or what I thought.  But those things weren’t me.  I was a doormat, a patsy you see.  I have been afraid of hurt someones feelings, their ego or worse.  What about mine?  I shoved those in a drawer somewhere for no one to see.  But now it is time for me to stand up and say…..HEY!!  I exist!!

I have always cared so much for others that I have neglected what makes me happy.  I was taking it all in, and avoiding the argument.  Now, I am ready to fight for me.  I will not be told what to do, what to say, or especially what to thing.  I am a grown woman with thoughts and feelings of my own.  I have stood here alone and dealt with it all.  Enough it is over I finally got backed against that wall.  I am coming out fighting and I will tell you now……I am me.  You like me, you love me, or even if you hate me.  Those are all fine….let me know now.  For I am going to let you know.

Look out world I may have taken awhile to get here, but I will fight even harder to stay.

As of today, I am an English Major with a Minor in Mass Media.  I have a new advisor and after my appointment with him on Friday afternoon I will lack 4 English classes, 2 foreign languages and 5 mass media classes.  11 classes between me and graduation!!!!!  SO CLOSE!!!  It has been a great day!!!!

stone

I know that not all things come easy

I know that you sometimes have to fight

I know that to reach your destination

that sometimes it has to hurt.

I knew when I started down this road

that there were rock, hills , and barricades.

I knew that uphill it would be all the way.

For nothing worth having is worth walking away.

Are my shoulder that big to hold up this world?  Are my arms long enough to hold you close?  I have fought all day and all I found was the ground, flat on my face and crying.  Please pick me up and dust me off.  But nobody is there so I do it myself.

Just hold me tight, hold me close, I want to feel your breath and make it alright.  Just take my hand, just hold it tight.  Help me to keep that prize in sight.

Let me cry with my head on your chest, don’t say a word just let me rest.  Let me cry tonight and hold me tight.  For in the dawn it will bring a new light.  It will touch my soul as you have tonight and I will know that it is all gonna be alright.

I am fighting back the best I know how to keep it together and take care of it all.  But I am tiring just tiring of being alone.  With everything resting on me like a stone.

When a fishing trip is more than fish….:)

As the seasons begin change to it reminds me of how beautiful life can be.  I love to watch the seasons change, it is like getting to physically watch the changes of life.  Every year as I change I notice more and more of how much the world around me changes too.  Ideal change, your way of thinking changes throughout the seasons of life.  Things that you once held on to don’t seem to make it to the next season.  People that you once thought mattered are like the leaves in autumn that drop to the ground and become good compost.  Compost feeds the earth like people that go to your past feed who you are.  The snows of winter water the earth better than any rain could, like those friends that come into your life and stay forever.  They water your soul daily with that nurturing kind of watering.  When spring arrives and all is new again we all know is like new friendships and new loves.  Some of those last through all the seasons like this tree, and some are like flowers, they bloom and the plants hang around but they are are just there for a season.

Yesterday started out so stressed, so much on my brain that it just didn’t seem to want to work any more.  I had so considered not even signing up for my spring classes.  There just seemed to be so much going on in the home front that I didn’t know how I was going to manage both. The truth is that I wasn’t real sure that I wanted to even attempt to finish this semester.  As I sat there on the edge of the Concho yesterday talking to the man fishing, he looks at me and says you know I was really down in the dumps today.  I miss being home, he is from Big Spring and came to Angelo to work.  He has been there for five years working at the airport.  He told me of past fishing adventures, of what he missed about Big Springs, and how strange life was to wonder through.  We watched as the fish jumped, as the gentle breeze on the water moved his float, we took in the evening air that was the perfect temperature, and enjoyed the company of a perfect stranger.  But through all of this, my heart began to calm, my mind to clear, and during it all my life came back to center.  As we parted, he put his hand out to shake my hand.  For he also had found peace and whatever else he needed as we sat there.  Two strangers sharing memories of fishing trips of old, of old hometowns, and the River.  Thank you fishing man.  I remember where I am and who I am and most of all where I am going.

Funny how when you begin to let doubt creep in,  if what you are doing is what you are supposed to be do, God will find a way to remind you.  He will find a way to get you to stop and look around at where you are and what you are doing.  He will remind you to give it all to him and it will work out like it is supposed to.

Now with regrouping done, I set about to take the things I have learned this semester and put them into motion.  Thank you my friends, you are all so very special and so very awesome.  I know that God only puts the best in my life.  He put you here!!

pic day!

My new fishing buddy!  I asked this kind man if I could take his picture.  He said, “sure!”  About 30 or 45 minutes later after sitting on the bank of the Concho River, watching him fish, the squirrels scampering around the trees, the traffic on the bridge it was all so awesome, I finally said my goodbyes.    As I sat talking to this man, I felt a calmness come over me and I knew that I had let go of all the tension and all the worry that this week had brought about.

I really enjoyed taking pics today, not as much as usual but that is okay too.  For maybe God knew that I needed to sit quietly for a bit.  I still love this place.  I drove all around Angelo, just looking at all the unique and wonderful things that it has to offer.  I sat on the steps and watched the waterfall, I sat in front of th mermaid and watched the fish playing in the river.  I let nature really touch my soul while I was at the river.  Then I drove through downtown and looked at all the old buildings and as I sat at the light I played a game that my Grandpa taught me years ago.  I put myself back to that time…a bustling city with so much history to offer.

This is what I gave myself for my birthday, glad I did! 🙂

“See” of Purple

Being on a college campus today was awesome.  To see the type of support given to this cause.  It was one of those days that my shyness escaped me and inquisitiveness took over.  I would ask people in my classes to share their stories with me.  I would stand there and listen while one person would be telling me their story and look around and there would be a throg of people standing around listening, waiting, wanting to share.

In memory….It’s been decided. On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the 6 gay boys who committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes and at their schools…….

The reality that I learned today was that any one that is some kind of different is a target.  My daughter, straight, married, but different was very much bullied in school.  Kristen is very intelligent, she went through a stage of dressing mostly goth, she had a father that had also grown up in the same small west Texas town that is an alcoholic.  She didn’t fit the mold of what others thought she should be.  To be honest, she came very close to suicide.  I thank God every day that she couldn’t go through with it.

The stories today ranged from “I was bullied.”  “My “insert relative” was bullied”,  and even ” I was the bully”.  Some had lost loved ones, some had helped loved ones but for a day it wasn’t about differences.  It was about solidarity.  It was about acceptance and NO HATE.   It sure put my heart in the right place.

I can’t come up with one person that has not dealt with this in some form or fashion……