Standing tall!

I pose a question to you….Do alcoholics realize the pain and anguish they cause?  I struggled through the first 3 years of college working and raising a child and taking care of everyone else.  When he was sober he was supportive but he was drunk more than he was sober!   When he was drunk he got down right abusive.  I wasn’t a good mother, wife, or I wasn’t smart enough to have a college degree.  Yesterday, I got my grades in three classes…all B’s or better! On the way home, I got to analyzing the situation and how it was different.  Different in so many ways.  First off, I don’t care what he thinks any more, I am still taking care of everyone but not working, Kristen is grown, and John isn’t drinking any more.  BIG DIFFERENCE!!

Now that I don’t care what John thinks or says, he is encouraging.  I came home this week to a new back pack and a new computer case.  I came home this week and the man that has never cared whether I had help around here or anywhere else had written a note to the children on the white board that I was carrying as many hours as they were and driving 200 miles while doing it and I was doing it in only 3 days as opposed to their 5 days.  That they needed to step up and help even more.  Who is this person????

John and I started down this path when I was 6, we were best of friends.  Maybe we would have stayed that way if marriage had not come along.  I think you can accept the alcoholic better if you don’t live under the same roof with all the expectations that go with being married.  You know the simple ones….bills paid, taking care of the child, making sure the car runs….just simple things.  Not including the harder ones of respect, not chasing other women (or catching them), setting an example for the child and not embarrassing the snot out of them.

In the past year I have learned a very important lesson….open your mouth and speak your mind.  Good, bad, or indifferent.  I am learning that when telling someone the bad, look for something good too.  For years I just wouldn’t say anything at all.  Yesterday the hardest person to tell things to I did open up to.  I looked him in the eye and said, “thank you.  The past 5 weeks you have been very supportive of me going back to school.  I wish that you would have been that way years ago.”  For the first time ever I told him how he had acted, what he had said and how it made me feel.  I told him that is why I never went back to school.  OMG…who was this woman that had no fear, no hurt, no remorse??  Who was this woman that stood up for herself?  That told it like it was not out of anger any more, not out of spite?  The anger is gone only to be replaced with pity.  I pity him for much of what he lives with is his own rewards.  His medical condition is his own doing, his lack of friends is his own doing, the feelings his daughter and I have for him are much his own doing…..yeah it has been replaced by pity.

It is also a very vivid lesson on what goes around comes back around.  It has made me see that I have to take care of my own health, that I have to be a true friend to those I cherish, and that maybe there are things that our friends and family should tell us.

The past year has been quite the learning experience.  I am thankful for the friends that have encouraged me, both new and old.  I am thankful for the new found strength that I have found in myself.  I had a friend ask me the other day if I thought that I could let go of the past and move forward with life.  As of yesterday…..the answer to that is Oh Hell Ya!!!  Without a doubt and without ever looking back!!  I owe a debt of gratitude to some very special women in my life…..for seeing something in me that I had hidden years ago.  For holding their hands up and teaching me to look beyond and see that there were more than 5 fingers there.  I have always loved that part in Patch Adams, and at this juncture in life it is even more powerful than before.  Thank you ladies and one very special brother that has done it for years!!

People keep asking me if I will use this degree and teach.  I teach everyday, I learn everyday.  No, I do not want to teach in our public school system.  I feel that I have more to offer.  Unfortunately,  I do not have the calling to teach at that level.  Sorry, I know that there is something else I am supposed to be doing.  It is funny the twists and turns that this old life takes……but I can handle them with grace and poise now and smile while I do it! 🙂

God does answer prayers…but you have to open your heart to them, give it to him with absolute trust, and take that first step!

idle thoughts

You have got to love mesquite blooms!  They are beautiful, they happen in the most severe weather, they withstand the summer sun, and they so delicate!

Women are like that.  We can seem so delicate, so sweet and tender.  Then when the chips are down and the sun beating down on us we reach deep in the depths of our very being and pull out a strength that makes even the manliest of men look weak.  To make it in life you have to balance both.

Sure there are days that you just want to throw in the towel and walk away.  At least I do!  There are days when you want to call some of your wisest girlpals and ask…why are there men on this earth again??  But instead of asking that I generally ask do you really think I can do this??  Tell me again that I can…please!  We all have a good laugh, get off the phone and all is right with the world again.  The chores, the homework, and all the extra things that “have” to get done seem to manage to get there.  Thank God for friends!!

Life does have a way of working itself out.  With all the ups and downs it just happens.  I was drifting off to sleep this morning and of course that is when I think the best.  You know life has its ups and downs, its ins and outs, and its side to sides going on.  I am learning with age that they all happen you have to decide what is worth your stressing.  Because if you think about it in the end it is all going to work out.  It is like when you loose someone that you love dearly, right afterwards you have all the memories of them.  The good memories and the bad.  They bombard you, usually the what  ifs, and the how comes, and the I wish ones are the strongest.  As time passes what you are left with is all the good memories.  That happens in relationships too sometimes.  You remember what is good.  Every year close to my birthday I do a mental house cleaning.  I get rid of those memories that hurt, that are negative, that bring me to my knees at night.  I decide what I want to keep and what I want to pack away.  I do it without thinking about it usually.  Then around my birthday I write down what I want to “get over” and what I can handle then I burn the bad list.  It started out as a self preservation thing then it was a have to thing now it just works.  I walk away from the people in life that are not good for me, I walk away from the things that hurt.

The moving Sun

I was wondering around San Angelo the other day and this creature caught my eye.  She lives in the visitor center, one of my very favorite places to unwind.  I thought how cool it was that she was wearing an orange outfit, shoes that do not match the outfit and a camera!!  Look the sheep version of me that lives some place dear to my heart. 🙂

I was driving to school the other morning and I wondered if other people notice the suns movement from north to south across the sky on a daily basis like I do.  When I was young it used to really drive me nuts.  Now I look at it like this…..Mother nature changes the settings everyday.  I notice something new on my drive daily because either the shadows have changed, it is cloudy and there are no shadows, the color has changed or the winds blew the leaves on the trees just so.  Life is like that if we allow it.  There are things that you see in your everyday life that change daily too.  There are things that blow the leaves or change the shadows that make us notice them.  There are people that come into our lives that move the shadow to the other side of the tree and you get to see just what your heart needed to see.  I think that is one reason I love photography so much you get to stop the ever changing.  But you have to ground your self really well, or you will be like a goose.

I did something this week that I promised myself that I would never do again.  Long ago in another life, I was working two jobs and trying to go to school, and it was driving me crazy because I wasn’t getting everything done that I needed to much less what I wanted to.  I have never taken drugs but I know that if I had to choose one it would probably be speed.  I will use massive amounts of vitamins in the right mixture to sorta cause the same effect.    It has been awesome today to get the homework done, chores done, and still have enough energy to function… I want to do this again??  That “super-mom” syndrome and everyone Needing something….my attention mostly…I could real easily go down that road again.  I know at one time I took vitamins in the morning to give me the energy to get through the day then a vitamin at night to knock me out.  I know I won’t go back there….learned my lesson well.

I think that with all the chores done and homework on the down hill slide that I can get a grip and put this crew on a schedule that we can all live with. I sure hope so.  I do miss my friends, and I do miss spending more time with dad.  There are days that I have cried, I think it drove dad up the wall, but I get to the point where I am so tired that I can’t seem to take another step.  You add to that other stressers  and I get to the snapping point.  I have been sleeping about 3-4 hours a night, if that and feeling very down in the dumps.  I know that part of it is lack of sleep.  Going to go the the University clinic this week and see what the blood pressure is doing also.  I have got to get back to walking everyday.  That is a have to.  My life depends on it.  The one thing that I do refuse to do is have another heart attack.  Period.  I got lucky once and it was mild not going to play roulette with that one.

But with some good rest last night and getting things done today, I think I have cleared the cobwebs out so I can go again.  We will see what tomorrow brings.

School is going well, grades are up and my government professor still cracks me up!  I have learned things about Thomas Jefferson this week that would make you roll.  If you ever get the chance to study up on Jefferson you need to!!  I am looking for a new book to read, written by Jefferson.  It is called the Jefferson Bible.  Jefferson wrote it to show his commarades  what was in the bible that he actually believed.  Needless to say, he took out any and all miracles.  Got to find that book!!  My news writing class has become a snooze.  We have been writing leads since school started.  That is all we have worked on.  I got mad at him the other day when he passed out the new work sheet and the instructions were to simplify these paragraphs into lead sentences.  His favorite saying is ……just make something do something to something……the english major in me kicked in……NOUN/VERB/PREDICATE> that was all he got too.  I got my paper back made a good grade but written at the top was english majors make me laugh because about now they get tired of me trying to teach others the basics.  At least you didn’t drop the class and we can both have a laugh.  Who is laughing I am bored!!! lol  How hard can it be to take the main news out of a paragraph and make it a sentence???  Geology is a blast!  We go on a field trip next Monday and I get to take the camera and take pics!! Yahoo.

Well, I have rambled on long enough so I am off to finish up my homework and get to bed early! 🙂

Life is an adventure  I am taking it one day at a time!! 🙂

The Bridge

Taking the first steps are scary, some days down right terrifying!  Kind of like crossing a bridge that you can’t see what is on the other side, you start over it timidly, one little step at a time.  The closer you get to the top of the bridge the more exciting and faster you want to go.  You reach the top and can see the other side, that is when you look out across the horizon and have to make a decision……to continue on or turn around and go back to safety.  I knew when I began timidly that I would never look back.  I wanted to get to the other side so bad.  It has been a long tiring week but not a bad week.  Ever have one of those days that everything turned out well but your heart still hurt?  Standing on the top of the bridge isn’t easy, coming home some days hurts.  It is Friday afternoon, I got out of class early, I have my walking clothes and walking shoes in the trunk, I want a hair cut and as I get to the car….my cell phone rings.  I look at who is calling hoping it is someone I really want to talk to.  Couldn’t be, the name on the call is HOME.  My heart jumps….what is wrong?  The loving, kind voice on the other end says..HI Punkin.  Will you be home soon?  Hi Dad, I just got out of class.  I should be home in a little while.  How do you not????

I think I cried all the way home today.  Just once I would love to be the disobedient child.  The one that doesn’t do what I am supposed to!  Not gonna happen.  I have really mixed emotions about the other side of that bridge….what I will loose when I get there is great and saddens me greatly. So for now I take baby steps on the bridge, working on what needs to be.

I had a friend ask me what I had planned for my birthday the other day.  My reply has been the same for nearly 20 years….nothing, it is just another day.  I have said that for years because as a general rule the only persons that ever remembered and celebrated were my parents, my daughter, and my mother in law.  Most of the time it was just another day.  Last year was awesome!!  I think that is the first time I have celebrated my birthday in a long long time.  I think she is right I do need to celebrate that day.  I don’t know what I will do but I will do something just for me.  Rent a room for the night and watch movies?  Rent a room for the night and drink some tequila?  Naww but it is a thought that makes me laugh!!  My birthday is on a school night.  Anyway it is a thought that I should celebrate.

I am still loving school!!  I love learning and I always love a challenge.  Baby steps.  Gonna get me there yet. 🙂  Life is such an adventure!!!!  No wonder I hate to go to sleep..always have….think of what you might miss!!

Ticking away the miles…..

As I tick the miles off going and coming from school it gives my heart and mind time to wonder, to think of the things that I don’t have time to otherwise.

Yesterday morning, as I headed for school my mind wondered into the crooks and crevices of  the future.  I thought about where I want to go and what I want to do.  I thought about who I want to be involved and who I thought would be in my past.  I thought about how I could better life for others.

There are days when I could easily give up, that I wonder if I am smart enough, if I have the fight anymore to accomplish this feat.  There are days that I think life is fine just like it is…..NOT!!  Woke up from that daydream!!!  Time to get back to the real world and why I am doing this to begin with!  I remember that I am all that and so much more so back to watching the road.

It isn’t easy, I spend time away from Dad, I spend time away from the house, I spend time doing homework that I could be playing on facebook, and I still have all the same chores to do that I had before.  I have to study, for I crave the knowledge and the grades.  I want success now.  There are days that my brain is mush, there are days when I am so tired I can’t see straight but those are days that I fight so hard to accomplish the goal.

I still fight the neediness in this house, I still fight the idea that I am being selfish.  But I have the greatest friends that know where I want to go and what I want out of life and they remind me that I am being anything but.  If I could tell all women something it would be this….You are strong, dig deep.  You are intelligent, don’t question it.  You are worthy, expect it.  You are awesome, ask your friends.  Above all surround yourself with friends that know all of the above and be that way in return.

Made a C on my computer test was very down about it.  Got to class yesterday morning to find out that 3 out of 24 people passed the test at all.  I will gladly take that C!!  Gonna have to study harder and read more.  Geology class is going well, Lab??  Well about a B.  We have no grades in News and our first test in Government is on Friday.  So by next week sometime I will know where and how each of them test and what they are looking for and what I need to work on the most.

I am still liking school and loving San Angelo.  The visitor center gives me inspiration and I went there yesterday and walked and took pictures.  The only thing missing was a very dear friend that makes it even more inspirational.  Life is good and time is on my side! : )

I still have demons from my past, but slowly I am releasing those.  The one thing that haunts me the most I think is that of what others think.  All of my life I watched my mother struggle with that.  More so with her sisters than with any one else.  For some reason nothing was ever good enough there.  The car we drove, the clothing we had, the daughter and her growing up.  The aunts never got to really know the true me because Mother would never tell anything but the very best of me.  Even though there were some very obvious things that I did that she couldn’t hide, she never let them know the bad or daily stuff.  I find myself at times doing the same thing.  There are very few people that know all about me….okay that know anything but the good.  This is the thing that I have decided to work on the most.

week 3

It has been a good three weeks.  The holiday was nice and the football game was awesome!!  Classes are still interesting and challenging to me thinking.  But not just thinking about school, but thinking about my life too.  I am learning new things from classes as well as about myself.  I have learned that I am strong, intelligent, and funny.  I still have a hard time talking in class…always did.  But I am learning that it isn’t because I am dumb or that I feel dumb.  I love to listen to people, I love to learn about and from people.  I love to watch people.  I have learned as of late that all people have doubts about themselves.  I go eat lunch in my car so that I can watch people.  There isn’t one person that gets out of a car, or leaves a building that isn’t leery of their own short comings.  They tug at their clothing, they mess with their hair, or something.  They are never just happy with themselves.  We all do it, we are all aware that somebody during the day will judge you.  A very sad commentary on the human being.  Acceptance.  We all seek it, we all crave it.  Yet as humans race, color, creed, religion, sexual orientation, the clothes we wear, the piercings we have, tats or not, they are all factors that cause us to fear non acceptance.   They all boil down to self.  I try really hard not to judge people by these things.  Yeah I giggle at the little girls at school and some of the things they wear, not judging just bringing back memories of being in “style”.  Using that to get attention, the search for that someone special.  In retrospect….if that is all that attracted them you are in so much trouble.  🙂  That comes with age and living.

There are many things going on in the world right now that make me question the human being.  There is a man in Georgia wanting to burn the Qua ran.  It has been in the news for days, they have questioned his right to do it, they have questioned a million things.  Last night they finally questioned his intelligence.  Ok, I am sorry and maybe it is the love I have for any and all books but take away the fact that it is the Qua ran, it is a book.  Honestly, we quit burning books years ago.  DUH!!  There are radicals in every group in the world.  Religious, gay, political, and even education.  You can not hate a group for the few that mess up.  That is like every family has that one person that drives everyone nuts….do you hate the whole family just because of that one person?  If you want to send a message to the source of the problem you don’t hurt the group.  I realize that sometimes it is really hard not to say it is this group or that group that is causing the problem.

I have learned that I really do know where I am going and how to get there.  I don’t know when or how I got there but I did.  Life takes some really strange twists and turns but it all seems to work out one way or another.  I have learned to set my sights high and head straight for it, yeah there are detours and bumps but just keep plugging at it and it is all gonna fall in the right spot.

Life is good!!  God has surely blessed me in so many ways.  He has showed me so much in my life.  I don’t resent where I have been or what all I have seen, for if I hadn’t what kind of person would I be today?  Thanks for the ride it has made me look at life with a sense of love and respect. 🙂

just a thought

I hate to have days that make you go…”HUH?”  Days that people do stupid things or that stupid things happen.  Why?  The day after I always feel hurt.  My heart breaks for the things that people miss.  Things and people that they will never get back, memories that will never be made, and ideas that are lost.  To watch the hurt in someone you loves eyes and know that you can never remove that hurt or help make it better.  I guess, I have to kind of agree with Dad when he says that I care too much, that I am too sensitive to the feelings of others.  There are people in everyone’s life that have caused so much pain that you learn to ignore it.  But there are also people that cause that much pain that you can never ignore completely.  I very rarely cry myself to sleep but last night was one of those nights.  I cried not for me but for others.  I cried for the hurt but I also cried for for all the things that you will miss in life!

I totally don’t understand.  How my siblings can cause so much pain and never realize it.  I woke up this morning sad and very angry.  That tiger inside of me would love to reach out and just smack the snot out of my brother and sister.  Yet my heart still breaks for them both.  They will never have the memories, the laughs, the hugs, the love that I have with Daddy.  They will never know what a great man he is or for that matter what he gave up for them, what he gave to them.  How can you do that to someone so special, so incredible, so completely awesome!!    It baffles me to no end.

Wish that someone could explain why families do the worst things to each other and appear to be so wonderful to the rest of the world……