As a new beginning dawns….

A new time in life is dawning like the morning sun in Central Texas.  Quietly it comes and if you are not standing there at the exact moment she is gone like the whisper on the wind.  Life is like that, you either reach out and grab what you can at that exact moment or it is lost forever.  Or is it?  There is always another sunrise tomorrow maybe not the same one but one just as miraculous.  There are other loves, there are other opportunities, and there are other paths that we will wonder down in life.

Up to this point in life I have very few foes, so if I happen to get murdered…there is really no telling who did it.  I will say this, I have come away from the foes in my life with lessons learned.  I may not have liked the scars on my heart but the experience was not a loss.  For in these battles I have learned that I am a very strong willed person, I have the ability to over come and the passion to persevere.  There are bad things in my past that I would not wish on anyone but they do not make me any more special than anyone else.  What makes me special is that I trusted in God and he brought me to the other side.

I make friends and acquaintance fairly easily.  Good friends I generally keep for long periods of time if not forever.  My Daddy told me that if you have one true friend and one true love in your lifetime that you were very lucky.  I must be so very lucky.  Maybe not in the aspect of love but I have many true friends.  Friends that if you were in trouble they would be there no matter what time day or night.  If you called in the middle of the night crying, they would listen for as long as it took to get the whole problem solved.  I have had friends that have stood by me through thick and thin, unafraid to tell me that I was messing up or that I wasn’t being true to myself or anyone else.  I have people in my life that could probably write my biography better than I could.  These wonderful friends have given me courage when I was afraid, solace when my world seemed to be falling apart, and laughter when the crying was done.   All of my friends have added to the idea of a family unit.  We are sisters, brothers, aunts and uncles.  Not by blood mind you but by heart and soul.

Technology has brought into my life people from my past that I thought lost forever.  I thank God daily for this here computer and the amazing things it can bring into my life and the people that it can return to my life.

Today I ventured to San Angelo to take care of some school business.  I did some shopping and had lunch with friends.  I cannot explain the feelings I have nor do I want to.  I just enjoy them for I know somehow I have found home.  How do you explain that?  How do you “know” in your very being that what you are embarking on is totally right?  A peace that I have not felt in so very long washes over me every time I am there.  It isn’t just the town, the people, the school but something beyond a time and place.  I have spent years praying that God would show me where I belonged what purpose I have in being.  If I could imagine what it would be like for God to take my hand and lead me to that answer I feel it now.  It is an absolutely magnificent feeling that words cannot express.

I am even more excited about the start of this semester now!!

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beginning II

I have wanted to get my degree for years, to finish something that I started long ago.  Life takes some strange twists and turns and you end up, if you are not careful, back where you started twenty years later.  Funny how when you know that you are supposed to take a certain path in life and you get to that crossroads and for one reason or another you choose the path that you know should make everyone happy but you in time if you are lucky the first path will show itself again.  I have always known that I was supposed to get my degree, I have always known in my heart where I was supposed to live, I have known that if I got to that point then other doors would open and I would know who and why I am.

I start back to school which excites me greatly.  First and foremost I enjoy learning, I enjoy the field of study that I have chosen.  This is the third college/university that I have attended but I know that this is where I belong.  There are other reasons why I have this excitement….other than the fact that I am standing on the thresh hold of a new life.  If that makes any sense at all.

For once in my life I am doing something solely for me.  That may sound selfish but in my world it really isn’t.  I have done for everyone and taken care of everyone since I was a kid.  I have done what I was supposed to, when I was supposed to and how I was supposed to for years.  I still have some things that I have to tend to but I can take this step and do those too.  I have realized that I am, as a person, a work in progress.  That everything I do and learn helps shape me into the woman that I am supposed to be.  I know that I am going to still have to fight and scratch and work my butt off for this but in the end I will be victorious.

I will spend two days a week going to class……two days a week just for me.  I will be in a town that holds my heart and soul.  I lived in Angelo many years ago, I fell in love with her then and she has haunted me ever since.  The people, the river, the landscape: she as a whole is awesome.  I have returned to her every chance I got over the years just to keep my own sanity.  To know that my own heart still beat, that I was still very much alive on the inside.  I am not returning to a time in my life, but expanding on the current.  I know that Angelo has something to give to me right now I am not real sure what it is but I am willing to allow this to be shown to me in time.  I have some wonderful friends that live in Angelo that I will have the opportunity to be closer to and right now in life that is very important.

This is a bittersweet thing in my life.  I fear alot doing this.  There are many people that wanted to see this happen for me.  Most of them have departed this life without seeing it happen.  I have had this hang-up about graduation since high school.  High school graduation was a nightmarish time in my life.  I walked across that stage knowing that I was totally alone.  Every one of my classmates had someone there to see them walk…..daddy was lying in ICU fighting just to live and mom wasn’t gonna leave his side.  She made me go to graduation, I would have much rather have stayed at the hospital with daddy.  My brother and sister couldn’t make it to the hospital to see daddy much less take time out to see their little sister graduate from high school.  I have a really big fear that when I get my degree that the same thing will happen again.  Does it matter at this point in life….I want Dad to see me accomplish this.  I do know this however, that I am strong, I am okay with whatever happens for I know that Dad  is always with me whatever I do.  That he is proud of my accomplishments, all of them.  I know that mom lives in my heart and is with me too. That is what matters the most.

I have come a long way, baby!  I was this shy introverted woman that hated who I had become and what I had become.  I could not express the sadness in heart, the pain that engulfed me was like a binding that was squishing the very life from my soul.  Now I like the woman that I am she is funny, loving, energetic and actually becoming a pretty nerdy person.  I broke my shut up filter sometime in the past year and tend to tell people just what I think.  With the exclusion of two and someday I will tell them how I feel.  Okay enough of this installment.

Have a great day and smile.

just thoughts

A woman is a unique creature, they can over come so much and do so much.  My definition of a woman is probably stranger than most….a woman is someone that can do most anything, she doesn’t look at tasks as having gender.  A woman looks and says, “this need doing,”  takes it upon herself to get the job done.  She complains little and shoulders more than she would ever show.

I come from a long line of women like that, they carried their burdens with honor and stoic pride.  These women did things that some men couldn’t do.  They raised strong children, they worked as hard or harder than most men, and were still loving and caring.

I have seen them rebuild motors, pull calves, drive tractors and trucks, build homes, go hunting and fishing ( kill it, clean it and prepare it), and work right along side of men.  These same women nurse the sick, cook , clean, sew, and dance in the rain.   In a world that still makes a woman the weaker of the sexes and labels those that don’t fit that mold these women prosper still.

Women search for knowledge and acceptance, surrounding themselves with strong friends and expecting only truth, honesty, respect, and love in return.

I praise women for all they do, all they endure, and all they conquer.  I do not put them into categories or subcategories but always in a class all their own.  Accepting my friends for who they are and what they are for I have not walked in their shoes but offer a hand, a heart, and a mind to help them on their journey.

There is my thought of the day. 🙂 Have a great Monday!

the beginning…..

As I fumble through this thing called life I try to show the love in my heart as I go along.  Letting that love show often gets my heart broken but I always seem to pick up the pieces and hand them to God and say once again…”fix it”;  like a small child who has once again broken a toy that is prized.

I often wish that I would learn to close my heart and open my mouth so that people would know what was really there.  Writing and photography are my passions for they are the only ways I seem to have to express my true feelings.  I have let my life just be because I could not express the pain that dwelt in my heart.  So in hopes of letting it out I start a blog?

The past year I turned 41, and it was like I had been asleep for years and finally awakened to look around at the world once again.  With the aid of some most wonderful people that woman  I could see in the mirror but not reach, was finally becoming the woman in the mirror.  Slowly I have allowed her to emerge and show herself to the world.  To explain why I hid there I cannot.  To tell you that hiding was good for anyone involved I cannot.  I can tell you that I don’t really have any regrets in life for every action, every feeling, every reaction has created the person I am today.

I was always the quiet child, the one that stood back and took it all in.  I was so quiet that I never told anyone if they hurt my feelings, I never told them what moved me, I never told them anything personal.  I still find that I am prone to this.  I can stand and talk to a stranger all day long but never tell someone I love how I feel.  I generally take and take but once that line is crossed I will just quietly walk away and never look back.

So starting next month I take the first step to a new and exciting life.  New in the aspect that I see future.  Long in coming, but new in the fact that I now know where and how to get there.  I start back to college next month.  I have spent a lot of time this month laughing, for I begin this journey again at the end of my Junior year of college.  By the end of the semester, I will be more than 10 hours into my Senior year, yet Saturday I will spend the day at Freshman orientation.  So within a six month period I will have passed from freshman orientation, to my junior year to ring ceremony for my class ring.  Wow talk about touching all the bases in a hurry!  I have long for this day for a long long time for many reasons and I will go into that next time. 🙂